Dynomitegirl

Currently

2012-01-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

LISTENING
to contemporary Christian music on KLOVE when I am in my car, old country favorites on my IPOD, and my worship play list when I turn itunes on my computer.

FEELING
really peaceful. Lots behind me, lots ahead of me, but this moment is peaceful.
TRYING
a new form of keeping a journal. Think paint meets journal, add in memorabilia, markers, lots of doodling and cover it all in modge podge and you get an art journal...very messy and so therapeutic.
EATING
more fruits and vegetables thanks to Bountiful Baskets, but still less food than I should be because of my on going civil war with my tummy. I am using some new recipes I found on pinterest (that site has totally changed the way I cook...LOVE IT)
WEARING
boots and colors that I love, lots of yellows and greens. Moving away from wearing what I think is in style and towards clothes that I really love.... vintage muted floral fabric, lace, patterns and color, lots of color. I buy most of my clothes second hand, except for my jeans.. .. I still pay way too much to get jeans that are long enough for my legs (which only seem long when I am buying pants or sitting in a skirt).
NEEDING
new carpet, paint, and a book shelf for my art room. We officially outgrew our house the day before Christmas and I need this space to be workable, because not only is it an art room it is where I keep all of my clothes, where we do home work, pay bills, pray, write, plan things, study, paint, play and create. Right now it is kinda a dark scary hole, with piles that get shuffled from one edge of my room to the other I need to find a way to make this space work better.
CHANGING
the way I feel about sitting for long periods of time doing nothing... well not exactly nothing but pretty close. I never thought I would enjoy meditation but I am loving it.
PLANNING
lots of vacations,with the kids, without and completely alone. My husband and I are going on a cruise for Valentines day to Belize, Rotan, and the Cayman Islands. Our ship will leave out of Florida so we will spend an extra day or two there. Our family is going to Moab again for Memorial day, last year was so much fun we want to do it again. I get to attend a five day art class in Idaho this coming fall alone. The class has a two year waiting list and I can't even begin to explain how excited I am to go.
THINKING
about ways to make my life simpler. What I want to keep in my life and what I can do without. Life is busy and the choice isn't always between good and bad, sometimes it is between good and better.
ENJOYING
the present moment. I really like where life has brought me to. This is a good place to be.

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-30T09:34:00.000-07:00

Day 30

The Principal at Dylan's school sent out a email last week, in it was a quote he has in his kitchen.

"Gratitude turns what you have into enough"

Today I am thankful that I have the choice to make what I have into enough, what a beautiful way to live life.
Chad, Salem pond, Dylan, Safety, salamanders, dirt, Kimberly, music, crayons, tights, seat heaters on a cold evening, green grass, kids who snuggle, slowing down, going back to school, Matt, Mod Podge, free agency, ATVs, finger nail polish, lace, My history, siblings, growth, dreams, paint, My Mom, hard work, the voices of little children at church, Colton Jack, strength, bling, paint, flowers, grace, blogs, sleep, puppies, people who care for my kids, art, owls, lace, My Dad, acts of kindness, atonement, my big sister, Christmas, Master Muffler and Brake, waiting on the Lord, good food, saving money, sixteen years, bright finger nail polish, MY YW, tender mercies, lessons learned, changing leaves, sleeping in a trailer, the sunrise, bed time, a long warm bath, My little sisters, pinterest, choices, self kindness, a clean house, new blinds, hope for the future, friends for my kids, space to be angry, my camera, my dogs, vacation, a good life, warm socks and cool boots, Todd, trials, IPOD, being in love with my best friend, atonement, my dishwasher stove and microwave, phone calls, the school janitor, imperfections, respect, kind letters, love, forgiveness, serenity, I look like my mom, dancing, joy, wishing, one day at a time, Halloween, frogs, babies, memories, sparklers, traditions, good stories, crying, snakes, tapioca pudding, book clubs, Christian music, adderall, Terry Illes, farms, weeding my garden at night, prayer, garbage day, Debbie, being fought for, mascara, date night, Susan, baby animals, pillows, cotton candy, rides in fast cars, a soft place to fall, reading, sprite, snow, lemon aid stands in the summer, pine trees, Popsicles, Christmas trees, pillow fights, leting go, bare feet, scrapbooking, clean floors, Moab, giggling, trampolines, a tan, birds, fireworks, swimming, free cruises, magic, elephants, cell phones, sunset, lakes, home made blankets, Sheryl, loud music, blue skies, girls camp, rain, Garth Brooks, peaches, Bountiful Baskets, watermelon, free time, snow ball fights, rules, lotion, love spell, Orthella, Dixie Chicks, a good laughy taffy joke, bleach, family reunions, lady bugs, courage, connection, compassion, diaries, the oil painting in my front room, brides, a little mermaid, central air conditioning, remade, crafts, water fights with my family, chickens, bees and honey, question, carpet, relationships, unanswered prayer, trusting your gut, getting out, long walks in the fall, betta fish, elephants, the chance to say thank you, quiet, enough

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-30T08:51:00.001-07:00

Day 29

my children

30 days of gratitude, catch up again

2011-11-28T16:54:00.003-07:00

Day 21
the slower pace of fall

Day 22
Sometimes it is nice to be lonely, I forget how much I like the quiet, especially when it is cold.

Day 23
That this is FINALLY FINALLY over. After a year of waiting to find out if a road project would take the property our business sits on and then another 5 long months of HEATED negotiations and the very REAL possibility of a dreaded move (we were less than 24 hours away from signing a lease on a new building) we have our lease negotiated for the next 10 years and Master Muffler Kearns will stay where it is. (insert Long deep sigh of relief).

Day 24
hot cocoa

Day 25
A new stove and microwave. I have been cooking on one burner for the last year . Five burners, and two ovens seem like a dream come true. Of course it took catching the stove on fire while removing the microwave (which also caught on fire) to decide it was time to finally call it quits on the old girl. Of course now I can't get my disposal to turn on... lol when it rains it pours, we replaced the dishwasher about a two months ago. I am kinda thinking why not add new cabients to the list.

Day 26
Gator's eyelashes

Day 27
Music

Day 28
Rest

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

Day 20

freedom of speech

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-20T12:38:00.002-07:00

Day 19

17 years today

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

day 18

new friends for my children, even though I have to drive my kids it is a good thing

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-19T10:16:00.002-07:00

day 17

date night

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

Day 16

paint, sketch books and free time after the kids go to bed

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-16T09:46:00.000-07:00

Day 15

Today I am grateful that my children help with the dishes every night.

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

Day 13

Today I am grateful for intimacy. The experience of truly seeing another person and knowing that they see you, the real you and accept what they see is a powerful place to live and one of the gifts of growing older. With age we have had the valuable time needed to practice seeing other people in our relationships and the time to get good at slowing down enough to connect with people on a level beyond our self. In my early 20's I mistook intimacy to mean physical connection, and believed intimacy was something only between two people in love. I see it so very different now, intimacy is still about love, but my definition has changed. Intimacy, so very precious, is about becoming a part of each others world, and connecting emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and physically. You share hopes and dreams, fears and regrets, and move beyond only saying the things that should be said. You learn to listen with your whole heart. With age I have began to realize that I have many many people in my world who I love very much.

If you are one of those people, thank you. Thank you for being in my life and please know that it brings me peace to know you really know me. I love you, and I love what I see in you. Knowing you is the greatest gift this life could give me.

2011-11-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

As part of our Relief Society Christmas Party this year we have been asked to perform 14 acts of love and then journal the experience.The idea of a giving a small gift or service to someone outside of your family was presented a couple of weeks ago. I loved the idea, but days have turned into weeks and here I am barely two weeks from the party and I haven't even begun. I spent sometime today trying to come up with a plan. My problem quickly became not a lack of things I would like to do but trying to narrow the list down to things that I can actually get done in the next two weeks.

I decided I would start with thank you notes. So many times in life I have the thought cross my mind, and then quickly leave. People who I appreciate, the little things they do for me, or the special part of my life they fill doesn't go unnoticed, but sometimes the words go unsaid. I am going to start with a note to the person who took my kids horse back riding to day. Above and beyond what he was called to do, but so very appreciated.

2011-11-12T18:58:00.002-07:00

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-12T12:59:00.000-07:00

Day 11
Books
Libraries
Librarians

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-11T21:08:00.002-07:00

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

What day am I on? Let's see my calender says it is the 10th, and I am at least a day behind... so today would be the 9th day, yep today is defiantly the 9th day.... and hmmmm what am I grateful for today? I guess today is more of a list, my mind is a mangled mess of thoughts and I can't narrow it down to just one.

So today I am grateful that my van let me start it again (and again and again) after it died, until I was able to limp it all the way home and not be stranded away from home without my cell phone. I am grateful that my husband followed me to work this morning so when my van died again on a busy stretch of road I wasn't there alone. I am grateful that he decided to call a tow truck instead of towing it himself (with me behind him). I am grateful one of our mechanics said he would start working on it as soon as it showed up on the back of the flat bed. I am grateful that my set of wheels won't be out of commission for too long, and if it is I will be able to borrow a truck until it is fixed. I am grateful that each day I can go where I need to go and do what I need to do, yep, it may be a little bit matronly, it may not be my favorite color but today I am grateful for my mini van.

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-10T10:58:00.002-07:00

Day 8

Sisters

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-09T20:56:00.000-07:00

Day 7

Bleach, love that stuff

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

Day 6

Today I am grateful for everything that has got me to this place. Life is filled with good and bad, experiances . Those pieces have taught me and made me who I am. With out each of the lessons learned, roads traveled, boys kissed, friends made and lost, mountians climbed , teachers called I wouldn't be who I am. Today I am thankful for each of the parts that equal who I am.

30 days of gratitude, catch up

2011-11-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

Keeping up with 30 days of gratitude has been easy, blogging 30 days of gratitude has not. Today is catch up day because this is the first chance I have had this week to sit down for more than 10 minutes with my laptop and a glass of hot chocolate. Even this must be fit in quickly though so I can assure that I will get enough sleep to be up by 5 tomorrow morning, ahhhh yes life is very busy.

Day 2
People who tenderly care care for my children
Day 3
Freedom to find my own path
Day 4
Listening to Matt read Call of the Wild (his favorite book) to Colton each night at bedtime.
Day 5
New adventures
Day 6
The ability to feel life

30 days of gratitude

2011-11-02T12:54:00.001-06:00

Day one, sleep

“when you think about it, it’s amazing how little attention we may be paying to the life we are actually living. And it’s often surprising how rich our lives are, when we stop to inventory what is in our lives. Your life, I feel sure, is very rich, too. Your problem is that you cannot experience it because you are warding it off.” — Cary Tennis

Last night I climbed into bed, weary from a long day I pulled my covers up around my neck and laid still in the silence around me. Safe, my children slept in their rooms scatterd around our house. As I fell to sleep I was aware of how grateful I was to have clean sheets, a soft bed, locked doors, a heated house, and ability to sleep peacefully til morning. Even a short hundered years ago we didn't sleep nearly as well we do today. Day one I am thankful for sleep.

2011-11-01T08:36:00.000-06:00

Kimmie was the master designer of her Halloween costume. I got the lucky task of interpreting the sketch she drew for me. We shopped for fabric and a pattern then I got busy trying to make her vision into a reality. As it turned out I didn't use the pattern for the dress. Kimmie and I came up with our own so it would match what she wanted. I love to watch her create things, as the pieces came together she had so many great ideas about putting it together.

Colton went as a robot skeleton this year. We found the costume as JoAnns. He had gone back and forth about what he wanted to be this year so this made it easy.

Gatorade went as a blue and black bumble bee. He was supposed to be the Cheshire cat but our purple hair spray looked blue.

Working

2011-10-26T20:01:00.001-06:00

So I have to admit, I get paid to do this.....the best part of my job actually. Of course the competition isn't stiff, other than eating lunch with one of my favorite people I do accounting, paper working, sweeping, mopping, bathroom cleaning, errand running..... but lunch, yep that is my favorite. I wonder if this is like saying your favorite part of school is recess.

smack dab between the salsa and smothered burrito

2011-10-22T21:17:00.000-06:00

When the blond waitress with the half hidden tattoo left us at the corner booth everything was fine.  A married couple who looked a little worn around the edges out for a night away from the curtain climbers. I am sure she sees a dozen of our type each night.  A standard tip, not the type to stiff her or wildly fling Spanish rice and spill our drinks, but also not the type to flip her an extra fifty, just a guaranteed twenty percent for meeting our every whim at little Mexican restaurant around the corner. We had our bowl of complimentary chips and salsa started, raspberry lemonade's delivered and dinner on it's way.

In the time it took for the chef to stuff, wrap, and smother the burritos the mood had changed for the quiet couple who had arrived about the same time as the dinner rush.   Balancing three plates against her out stretched arm our waitress returned to our table to find my checks streaked with mascara and tears falling onto the cheap table cloth that covered the worn table.

The conversation had started out innocent enough. We recounted our week to each other, talked about the little shop we own, our kids, and our yard that is aching for more attention. But like always the conversation wound it's way back to where we started, where we are going, joy and sadness and the deep longing of unmet needs.

We are both aware of the sense of something more. The joy we have found in our relationship, the safety in each others arms and the freedom to be real with each other give easily to thoughts of what is next in this life we share. I recounted questions I had been asked in a class on finding your destiny. We shared our answers with each other and laughed that we could still surprise each other.

Then I asked the man who I have been with for longer than I haven't, "What do you want people to say about you when you are gone". The basic eulogy question, every class on becoming who you want to be probably has one. At first I thought I had stumped him. Speechless he stared across the table into my eyes as I waited.

But then he spoke. He talked about what he would want his employees and customers to say, what he would want his kids to say and then he talked about me. The fragile relationship that is everything but can be gone in the blink of an eye, the relationship that we almost lost, and the relationship we fought hard to save.  He talked about the time we spend together and the time we wish we could. He talked about the things he would want me say when his days on this earth have come to an end and I am left without the most important person in my life.

A mix of unexpected emotions washed over me as dishes of food swished quickly by our table. Overcome with how much I love this man, overcome with how good it feels to be loved by my best friend and how afraid I am of losing him, my tears fought their way to the surface. At the end of the day he is my soft place to fall, the one who gives me strength, and the one I cheer for. He gently wraps my bloody hand after I smash it in a window and works harder than anyone I know to provide for our little family. Perfect, he is not, but perfect for me is everything when I lay my head next to his each night.

2011-10-21T15:56:00.000-06:00

Random Friday thoughts

2011-10-14T09:02:00.000-06:00

Gatorade is a bad dog, a very bad dog.

I love Halloween and fall, in that order.

Mice scare me...... a lot, so much when I see one I enter fight or flight mode with complete disregard for my surroundings. Which is really not so great when I am at work and have a waiting room full of customers.

I like cleaning, who would have known. I just don't like trying to force my kids to clean or trying to clean while I juggle 30 other things.

I need to teach my children compassion, and I think duct tape might help.

Homework is taking up all of my free time, sigh, I don't think that will change anytime soon.

I love my new (old) couch that I bought at a yard sell for 125 bucks, but my husband says I have to stop bringing couches home. They are kind of like lost puppies, I can't say no.

I like to see Matt happy, changing schools shouldn't have been such a hard choice.

2011-10-11T08:54:00.000-06:00

Matthew joined the cross country team at Providence Hall. They competed against other local charter schools. Last week was the final race. Matt is sad the season went so fast and has really enjoyed running.

One of the things that I have really enjoyed about the charter school is the availability of after school programs they have available for the kids. Sports, drama, art clubs and teams, the list seems to never end. Because the school is so small they have a open door policy of whoever wants to join can, which is great for inclusion (maybe not so good for winning). Now cross country is over Matt is looking forward to what he will do next.

Beautiful Life

2011-10-09T22:04:00.000-06:00

Life seems incapable of following the plan I had laid for it. Some days are harder than I expected and others filled with joy. Lately I have been in awe at how beautifully life can turn out, gifts that were waiting just around the corner and amazing people who care, love, and courageously fight for me. During a conference special last weekend Elder Holland said "..... the light of his everlasting gospel can and will again shine brightly where you feared life had gone hopelessly, helplessly, dark."

I am so abundantly grateful for the light that warms my life, and I am equally grateful for the dark parts of my life too. The hopelessly, helplessly dark is where I ache for the light that I have in my life. It is living as someone who I am not that brings me to come to know who I am, what I want in my life and what I do not. My worst choices brought me to my knees begging for change, and as I held on I learned the lessons that guide me.

I learned that

Life is beautiful, love is worth sharing, kindness is always the best policy, the truth can hurt but lies hurt more, anger and bitterness although useful are an empty way to live your life, forgiveness frees your heart, and some people change.

I also learned that someone, somewhere is watching out for me. A couple of weeks ago life was gearing up for a very difficult week. I didn't see it coming really, but someone, somewhere was preparing me for the hard blows I was about to take. I hope you don't mind if I share my beautiful life with you and the gifts of love that lead me to believe that I do not walk this life alone.

On Monday I received the dear letter that I have added below, the message came from a friend from high school who had unknowingly read a comment I had written on another blog. Writing is such a part of who I am, yet writing also is something I feel deeply self conscious about. That self consciousness leads my words to often fall silent, afraid of what others will think if I speak my truth and afraid of my own short comings as a writer. This letter was a message that I carried in my heart as things got harder, to me it said "you are okay, your song is worth singing, your story worth telling, your life and pain worth the price you paid". This sweet message could not have arrived at a better time as I questioned if it was acceptable to be who I really am.

On Tuesday I received another letter from someone who I haven't been in contact with for years, a kind message was needed as I realized that things were getting harder. On Wednesday a call from a loved one, the week hard, but my heart was being held as I struggled through choices and painful growth.

On Friday night I attended a concert that was arranged by Dear friends Amy and Rich Uhl. The beautiful singers, Jen Marco, Rachelle Elizabeth Call and Jessica Funk sang songs and told stories of recovery, faith and healing. I sat in a place that felt prepared for me, surrounded by love, grace, acceptance, I was with friends but I was also with my Savior and Father as the music and stories told of their love for a daughter who struggles to find her way.

Yes this is how I would describe my beautiful life,

hard, but held in love

Pictures below are from a quick get away I took with my husband, and children. Beautiful isn't it, this life we all live?

Dear Christine,

I was reading through my friend's blog when I came across a comment from you. She is Stephanie of Mormon Child Bride. After reading through a million comments, I came across yours and was so touched. I sat there sobbing reading what you had written--and felt like you had said it just for me. And I didn't even know it was you. Imagine my surprise when I clicked on your name and found you!

I love what you said about asking the questions--and realizing they're part of the journey. It occurred to me several months ago that my doubts are not an issue that I will "resolve"--at least not any time soon. I love the church in so many ways and also struggle with many aspects. Carrying that dichotomy is burdensome. But I don't want to leave the church--no, no. Yet, I'm not "all in" either. I'm happy that you have found peace; I'm working on it.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and for being a great example of a thoughtful and honest soul!
Jenny

Beach Party

2011-10-09T14:00:00.000-06:00

Providence Hall held a beach party to celebrate the children's achievement on last years standardized testing. The school improved by 8 points over all. Providence Hall is now ranked #3 in test scores in our area. I volunteered to help out with the party. What a blast, kids got to dress down for the day and we had a DJ water games and a great picnic lunch.

2011-09-30T22:45:00.000-06:00

2011-09-30T15:40:00.001-06:00

Labor Day Weekend

2011-09-21T07:01:00.002-06:00

These are a few high lights from what I will always remember as our pathetic dog vacation. We headed to Joe's Valley on Sunday Morning. We knew leaving late in labor day weekend was a risk, but we had a reception Saturday night that we didn't want to miss . When we arrived it was obvious that all of the camping spots were taken. So we drove and drove and drove until we came to the conclusion that we had passed all signs of human life and would be spending the weekend with the cows, all 8,000 of them. The weekend consisted of mostly me yelling at Gatorade to stop rolling in the cow @$&^$. When Gatorade was not rolling in the cow *&$#! he was trying to take on an entire herd of cattle. Which sent my small children into a frenzy as they did not want a Gatorade pancake. As the weekend started winding down I was having visions of leaving Gatorade there because his white fluffy fur had changed to cow turd brown. My husband convinced me that I would be guilty of introducing a forgien species into the wild and could be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law so we drove to the nearest watering hole with stinky dog and gave him a bath. Back at camp I held his shivering body by the fire to dry out. Just then a group of men rode into camp. I still can't quite figure out how they told us but it went something like this. "Hi Y'all, while your dog was spending his free time rolling in cow %@!*^ our dog was out tracking down a bear. He's a big strong guy, and as you can imagine very smart, he got the bear corned but there was a bit of a skirmish between the two of them (the dog and the bear). Our dog was beat up, we shot the bear about a mile from here and were hoping you would keep an eye out for our dog, he will probably wander down this way". I think we might have manged to tuck our shame between our legs and grunt something back. So here are the pictures of big strong bear hunter dog, the sign I didn't see before I let my kids sleep in a Twinkie wrapper, and the rest of our weekend.

Honey Extracting

2011-09-21T05:50:00.000-06:00

My sisters and son are finished with their first season of beekeeping. It has been fun to watch them learn and grow through the process. Between them they have 4 hives and two of the hives had enough honey to get the bees through the winter and plenty for us to eat. These are pictures from the day they did the honey extracting. I will admit, I hid in my mothers front room most of the day, and I am not sure how long it will be before they forgive me.

Colton Jack

2011-09-03T12:54:00.000-06:00

Colton is starting first grade at Providence Hall Elementary. His teacher is Mrs Winder. Colton is excited to go to school. He wants to learn to be a better a reader this year. When he grows up he wants to be a go cart racer or if he can't be a go cart racer he wants to be a fireman. Colton's favorite food is Chinese food. Colton's favorite animal is a parrot. Colton's best friend is Mason, and he likes to play with hot wheel cars, and play with his dog Renegade. He likes to drink apple and orange juice.

Matthew Chad 2011-12

2011-09-03T12:44:00.000-06:00

Matt is starting school this year as a 7th grader at Providence Hall Middle School. He enjoys paintball and racing. He is looking forward to getting a new fish. Right now the school counselor is keeping Bob and Pencil as a pet. At the end of the quarter the fish will get to come live at our house. Matt is going to join the cross country, and Rugby teams.

Changes

2011-09-02T10:17:00.000-06:00

Our family has seen a lot of changes as the wet spring gave way to waves of summer heat. Most of the changes, although huge tend to be undefined. I can feel them, there is a shift in what we focus on as a family, the mood in our home is different and if you squint the changes almost take on a form that mingles with us when we eat, work and play.

There are a few changes that are much more obvious. You don't have to wonder if what you see if real, or second guess your instinct that something will always be different.

One of the more obvious changes is 3 of my children did not return to the neighborhood schools. We have been at Riverton Elementary since we moved into this house eight years ago. I have loved the teachers, Secretaries, lunch workers, counselors, and administration. I spend a lot of time in the school and really felt like it was in many ways second home.

The choice to move my three youngest children to Providence Hall, a charter school was not made lightly. Colton is in First grade this year and Matt is in middle school. I knew that in many ways these years have the power to be a key stone for where my children go from here and I feel strongly that Matt needs the chance to not be defined by who he was and give him the freedom to become whomever he wants to be. I believe that the move will give him the space he needs to do that, and provide a solid academic base for my children to build on.

We have finished our first week at the new school, and in many ways I am still in a little bit of culture shock from all of the changes. Round trip, it used to take me 12 minutes to get my kids to school and be back home, this year it takes an hour. If someone would have told me that before I signed up I may have backed out. I am glad I didn't know. The 40 minutes I have with my children in the car before school is a real gift. Buckled in seat belts they have nothing to do but talk. It is a calm time that we get to talk about their hopes and fears for the day ahead. By the time I drop them off I feel like we have left rushing far behind and I am able to be completely present when I tell them good-bye.

School uniforms was another thing that I knew would be a huge adjustment. As I did my school shopping this year I still wasn't sure if I liked the idea. After the first week I have a lot more confidence. My kids don't mind them. It makes getting ready for school in the morning a breeze and it gives the school an entirely different atmosphere. I believe the children come with a slightly different attitude when they are dressed this way. I over heard Dylan and Matt comparing what it is like in the halls at their two different schools, both are packed to the gills crowded but Matt says he doesn't hear the fowl language that Dylan says is just a part of middle school.

And I guess that brings us to Dylan. He will still be attending the neighborhood middle school. I believe that this is the right choice for him but that is an entirely other post I am afraid.

Horses

2011-09-02T09:01:00.000-06:00

Kimberly had her first horseback riding lesson this week. I am not sure what I thought we were signing up for, maybe a pony ride where they put her on a horse and walk her around a field?

That isn't what we got at all, and I am so glad. We meet her trainer and within minutes she had Kimmie brushing her horse for the day and teaching her how to put her blanket on the horse. Kimmie was a natural and it was so fun to see her confidence grow as she spoke up so the horse could hear her and learned to work the reins. Her teacher said she is a beautiful rider and even with my completely untrained eye I could tell that she really has a knack for this horse thing. She was able to get her horse trotting on her own and her, teacher had her practiced a few drills. I stood, mouth gapping open on the edge of the corral. My teenie tiny little girl was riding this huge animal all on her own. We have one more lesson planned before we decide if we should sign her up for ballet or horseback riding lessons. I bet you can tell which one she wants to pick.

Colton fell in love with this horse. This cute guy just wanted to snuggle his head right up to Colton, and Colton couldn't bear the thought of leaving his side. He was so sad that he had told me he didn't want to ride a horse when I was scheduling the lessons.

Matt also rode. It looks like Matt has a pretty severe allergy to horses. He really enjoyed the lessons, but it looks like he won't be able to continue.

Obituary

2011-08-24T17:23:00.001-06:00

Chester the Bus passed away peacefully on August 6, 2011 after a courageous battle with cancer (rust spots), heart disease (carburetor failure), and eventually terminal brake system rot. He will be missed by all that knew him, and we will forever cherish his memory.
As a 1 ton van Chester the Bus was always a hard worker willing to pull his share of the weight, and brighten the day of many around him.

Chester the Bus was born in 1986 in a lovely Ford plant on the other side of the country. He spent his early years with the Hurd family where he put 60,000 miles on the road, and met Chad Everill a mechanic who would change his oil, muffler, brakes and eventually his life.

After many visits to the Everill Home Chad decided it was time The Bus joined the family. Arrangements were made and a $2000 adoption fee was paid . The Bus moved onto the side of the Everill home in March 2002, shortly before the birth of the Everill's third child Kimberly. Originally Chester the Bus was to be Christine's new set of wheels, with extra room for the new car seat. (Chad said "my mom drives a van, I thought you would love it". It is rumored Christine said "don't park that thing in front of my house, I would rather walk").

Soon after the move Chester the Bus found his true calling in life was not meant to be a cheap set of wheels for trips to the grocery store but a true vacation machine. He soon set about the task of taking the Everill family across the state of Utah. Chester has visited lakes, mountains, deserts and race tracks, all while towing the love of his life, Brenda the trailer behind him. Brenda and Chester were soul mates, joined at the hitch they were rarely seperated from each other. Chester and Brenda logged 30,000 vacation miles on the odometer while Chester was with the Everill family.

Chester's contributions were many and we can not begin to scratch the surface of what he offered to those he loved. He was a mean towing machine, a great place to hide in late night hide and go seek games, he had enough room for the whole fam-damnily and their 3 dogs, and 800 pounds of stuff and took them almost anywhere they wanted to go. He also served as shelter from the rain while camping and a bed for weary campers to rest their head.

Chester's last summer was spent doing what he loved best. His family gathered around him as it became clear his days on the road were numbered. In May he made his final trip to Moab. It is fitting that he was able to return to Moab to take the children to the first place he had visited with Chad back in 2001 before he had joined the family. His last journey was made to Joe's Valley where he loyally fought till the end. On the way down Price Canyon Chester's brakes locked up for the last time.

Chester the Bus is survived by his soul mate Brenda the trailer, and their 5 adopted 4 wheelers. He is also survived by his 3 brothers and sister, white mimi van, red S-10, Ford Focus, and Lotus Elsie (spoiled brat of the family), and a host of other family and friends. A memorial service will be held at Master Muffler in Kearns for close family only. Interment will be done at a later date at Chicks auto wrecking. In lieu of flower please make a donation to the Everill's need a new truck foundation.

Keeping score

2011-08-24T16:05:00.001-06:00

I wrote the following post almost 2 years ago. The fact this was never published is not really a surprise to me, I only publish a small amount of what I write here on my blog for many reasons. Today I wondered about this post. While I don't remember writing it I do remember this time in my life well. I no longer believe life is a game, but I still find my thoughts at this point in my life interesting as I figured this out.

My children do not play competitive sports, they haven't been on a sports team for years. We tried soccer and then basketball when Dylan was younger, but it was awful...closely akin to torture for me and for him. So we moved on to things that we all enjoy. Wandering in the mountains, sitting on the side of a lake....you get the gist, outside, few rules, and lots of fresh air.

So what I really don't understand is winning. I assume (really this is just an assumption, tell me if I am wrong) that when you start a baseball game your goal is to win. But what if you don't win, what if you lose? Can you say we play just to play? If we are playing just to play, why do we keep score?

It has been said that life is one big game. Do we keep score, I think we do. We watch others, we compare ourselves, we are keenly aware of when we have lost. But who are we playing against, others or our self? I have to wonder what the definition of winning this game would be, and what if we are playing a game that we can't win?

2011-08-13T20:53:00.000-06:00

Dinner was delivered in a Styrofoam box. Cheap, greasy with a side of soy sauce and a couple of fortune cookies. I took my food home to devour it in front of a movie with the two kids who didn't go on the weekend get-a-way with their dad. We each grabbed our cookie and of course broke it open before we began dinner. I think I almost laughed out loud when I read mine. I have never been one for superstitions, I walk under ladders, step on the cracks and break mirrors without flinching but this, well this was almost too good. Really, really? Things in my personal life are going to change... you mean like more than they already did?

Yes I will admit to a moment of feeling cynical.... or maybe more like a week. I am tired of the changes, the lines being drawn in the sand, the side taking and the accusations. I am tired of people pretending to know what is the best thing for everyone around them. I AM TIERD OF CHANGE, so seriously panda express if this is the best you have to offer you can just take your fortune cookie and shove it where the sun doesn't shine, because I am personally not interested in anymore changes in my personal life....I told you I was feeling cynical.
After the Chinese food was eaten, movie watched and children tucked in bed I opened up my laptop to finish up the new blog design I have been working on for a couple of weeks. Most popular posts was added to my side bar by accident, before I removed it I thought I would take a look. The post below is the first one I clicked on.
Ahh such a sweet reminder from myself, written almost a year ago.....some things will change, but the things and the people who really matter will love me at my best and at my worst, those people aren't going to change. They will stick around through my avalanches, tornadoes, and blissful spring days of life and I will do the same for them.

Toffee Poke Cake

2011-08-13T20:20:00.000-06:00

Ingredients

1 package (18-1/4 ounces) chocolate cake mix
1 jar (17 ounces) butterscotch-caramel ice cream topping
1 carton (12 ounces) frozen whipped topping, thawed
3 Heath candy bars (1.4 ounces each), chopped

Directions
Prepare and bake cake according to package directions, using a greased 13-in. x 9-in. baking pan. Cool on a wire rack.

Using the handle of a wooden spoon, poke holes in cake. Pour 3/4 cup caramel topping into holes. Spoon remaining caramel over cake. Top with whipped topping. Sprinkle with candy. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours before serving. Yield: 15 servings.

Coconut Chocolate Cake

2011-08-13T20:12:00.000-06:00

2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup butter, cubed
1 cup water
1/4 cup baking cocoa
2 eggs
1/2 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
TOPPING:
1 can (12 ounces) evaporated milk, divided
1-1/4 cups sugar, divided
20 large marshmallows
1 package (14 ounces) coconut
2 cups slivered almonds, toasted, divided
1/2 cup butter, cubed
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Directions
In a large bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking soda and salt. In a small saucepan, combine the butter, water and cocoa. Cook and stir until butter is melted; add to dry ingredients. Combine the eggs, buttermilk and vanilla; add to chocolate mixture and mix well.

Pour into a greased 15-in. x 10-in. x 1-in. baking pan. Bake at 350° for 20-25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean.

Meanwhile, in a large saucepan, combine 1 cup evaporated milk, 3/4 cup sugar and marshmallows; cook and stir until marshmallows are melted. Remove from heat; stir in coconut. Immediately sprinkle 1 cup almonds over cake. Spread coconut mixture over top. Sprinkle with remaining almonds (pan will be full).

In a small saucepan, combine butter with remaining milk and sugar. Cook and stir until butter is melted. Remove from the heat; stir in chocolate chips until melted. Drizzle over almonds. Cool on a wire rack. Yield: 35 servings.

Rapberry Coconut Bars

2011-08-13T20:08:00.000-06:00

1-2/3 cups graham cracker crumbs
1/2 cup butter, melted
2-2/3 cups flaked coconut
1 can (14 ounces) sweetened condensed milk
1 cup seedless raspberry preserves
1/3 cup chopped walnuts, toasted
1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup white baking chips

Directions
In a small bowl, combine cracker crumbs and butter. Press into a 13-in. x 9-in. baking dish coated with cooking spray. Sprinkle with coconut; drizzle with milk.

Bake at 350° for 20-25 minutes or until lightly browned. Cool completely on a wire rack.

Spread preserves over crust. Sprinkle with walnuts. In a microwave, melt chocolate chips; stir until smooth. Drizzle over walnuts. Repeat with vanilla chips. Cut into bars. Refrigerate for 30 minutes or until chocolate is set. Yield: 3 dozen.

Benedict Eggs in Pastry shells

2011-08-13T20:05:00.000-06:00

Ingredients

2 egg yolks
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
1/2 cup butter, melted
Dash cayenne pepper
2 cups cubed fully cooked ham
2 green onions, chopped
1 tablespoon butter
6 eggs, lightly beaten
2 tablespoons 2% milk
1 package (17.3 ounces) frozen puff pastry, thawed
1 cup (4 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese
1 egg
1 tablespoon water
Minced fresh tarragon, optional

Directions

In a double boiler over simmering water or a small heavy saucepan, constantly whisk the egg yolks, lemon juice and mustard until mixture begins to thicken and reaches 160°. Reduce heat to low. Slowly drizzle in warm melted butter, whisking constantly. Whisk in cayenne.

Transfer to a small bowl if necessary. Place bowl in a larger bowl of warm water. Keep warm, stirring occasionally, until ready to use.

In a large skillet over medium heat, cook and stir ham and onions in butter until onions are tender. In a large bowl, whisk six eggs and milk. Add egg mixture to the pan; cook and stir until set. Remove from the heat; stir in 1/3 cup reserved hollandaise sauce. Set aside.

On a lightly floured surface, unfold puff pastry. Roll each sheet into a 12-in. x 9-1/2-in. rectangle; cut each in half widthwise. Place 1 cup egg mixture on half of each rectangle; sprinkle with cheese.

Beat egg and water; brush over pastry edges. Bring an opposite corner of pastry over the egg mixture; pinch seams to seal. With a small sharp knife, cut several slits in the top.

Transfer to a greased baking sheet; brush with remaining egg mixture. Bake at 400° for 18-22 minutes or until golden brown. Serve with remaining hollandaise sauce. Sprinkle with tarragon if desired. Yield: 4 servings.

Amish Breakfast Casserole

2011-08-13T20:01:00.000-06:00

1 pound sliced bacon, diced
1 medium sweet onion, chopped
6 eggs, lightly beaten
4 cups frozen shredded hash brown potatoes, thawed
2 cups (8 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese
1-1/2 cups (12 ounces) 4% cottage cheese
1-1/4 cups shredded Swiss cheese

Directions
In a large skillet, cook bacon and onion until bacon is crisp; drain. In a large bowl, combine the remaining ingredients; stir in bacon mixture. Transfer to a greased 13-in. x 9-in. baking dish.

Bake, uncovered, at 350° for 35-40 minutes or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean. Let stand for 10 minutes before cutting. Yield: 12 servings.

Peaches and Cream French Toast

2011-08-13T19:59:00.000-06:00

1 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 cup butter, cubed
2 tablespoons corn syrup
1 can (29 ounces) sliced peaches, drained
1 loaf (1 pound) day-old French bread, cubed
1 package (8 ounces) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese (softened or cubed), cubed
12 eggs
1-1/2 cups half-and-half cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions
In a small saucepan, combine the brown sugar, butter and corn syrup. Cook and stir over medium heat until sugar is dissolved; pour into a greased 13-in. x 9-in. baking dish.

Arrange peaches in dish. Place half of the bread cubes over peaches. Layer with cream cheese and remaining bread. Place the eggs, cream and vanilla in a blender; cover and process until smooth. Pour over top. Cover and refrigerate overnight.

Remove from the refrigerator 30 minutes before baking. Bake, uncovered, at 350° for 50-60 minutes or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean. Yield: 12 servings.

Breakfast Bake

2011-08-13T19:51:00.000-06:00

3 cups (12 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese

3 cups (12 ounces) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese

1 jar (4-1/2 ounces) sliced mushrooms, drained

1/2 cup chopped sweet red pepper

1/3 cup sliced green onions

2 tablespoons butter

2 cups diced fully cooked ham

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

1-3/4 cups milk

8 eggs, lightly beaten

2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon dried basil

1/4 teaspoon pepper

Directions

Combine the cheeses; place 3 cups in an ungreased 13-in. x 9-in. baking dish and set aside.

In a large skillet, saute the mushrooms, red pepper and onions in butter until tender; drain. Spoon into baking dish. Sprinkle with ham and remaining cheeses.

In a large bowl, whisk flour and milk until smooth; stir in the eggs, parsley, salt, basil and pepper until blended. Slowly pour over cheeses.

Bake, uncovered, at 350° for 35-40 minutes or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean. Let stand for 10 minutes before cutting. Yield: 12 servings.

crepes

2011-08-13T19:48:00.000-06:00

1-1/2 cups 2% milk

4 eggs
1 cup all-purpose flour
1-1/2 teaspoons sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
8 teaspoons butter

Directions
In a small bowl, whisk milk and eggs. Combine the flour, sugar and salt; add to milk mixture and mix well. Refrigerate for 1 hour.

Melt 1 teaspoon butter in an 8-in. nonstick skillet over medium heat; pour 2 tablespoons batter into center of skillet. Lift and tilt pan to coat bottom evenly. Cook until top appears dry; turn and cook 15-20 seconds longer. Remove to a wire rack.

Repeat with remaining batter, adding butter to skillet as needed. When cool, stack crepes with waxed paper or paper towels in between. Yield: 16 crepes.

Stuffed french toast

2011-08-13T19:44:00.000-06:00

FILLING:

1 package (8 ounces) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese (softened or cubed), softened
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon grated orange peel
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
FRENCH TOAST:

2 eggs, lightly beaten
1/4 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
8 slices French bread (1-in. thick)

SYRUP:

1/2 cup water
1/4 cup maple syrup
2 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1-1/2 cups loose-pack frozen blueberries

Directions

In a bowl, beat cream cheese, sugar, orange peel and cinnamon until smooth; set aside. In a shallow bowl, combine eggs, milk and vanilla. Cut a pocket in the crust of each slice of bread. Stuff each pocket with 1-2 tablespoons filling. Dip bread in egg mixture on both sides. Fry on a greased hot griddle for 3-4 minutes per side or until golden brown. For syrup, combine water, maple syrup, sugar and cornstarch in a saucepan. Bring to a boil; boil 2 minutes to thicken. Reduce heat; add blueberries and simmer for 5-7 minutes or until berries are tender. Serve over French toast. Yield: 4-6 servings (1-1/2 cups syrup).

Baked French Toast

2011-08-13T19:40:00.000-06:00

12 slices bread, cubed

1 package (8 ounces) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese (softened or cubed), cubed
8 eggs
1 cup milk
1/2 cup maple syrup
Additional maple syrup

Directions

Arrange half of the bread cubes in a greased shallow 2-qt. baking dish. Top with cream cheese and remaining bread. In a large bowl, whisk the eggs, milk and syrup; pour over bread. Cover and refrigerate overnight. Remove from the refrigerator 30 minutes before baking.

Cover and bake at 350° for 30 minutes. Uncover; bake 20-25 minutes longer or until golden brown. Serve with additional syrup. Yield: 8 servings.
Maple French Toast Bake published in Quick Cooking January/February 2001, p38

Jam n cream french toast

2011-08-13T19:37:00.000-06:00

Ingredients

2 tablespoons PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese (softened or cubed), softened

2 thick slices cinnamon-raisin bread

2 tablespoons strawberry jam
1 egg
1 tablespoon butter
Maple syrup, optional

Directions

Spread cream cheese on one slice of bread. Spread jam on the other slice; place jam side down over the cream cheese. In a shallow bowl, beat egg. Dip both sides of bread into egg.

In a small skillet, melt butter; toast bread for 3-4 minutes on each side or until golden brown. Serve with syrup if desired.

french toast from scratch

2011-08-13T19:28:00.000-06:00

Ingredients

12 Rhodes™ Dinner Rolls, thawed but still cold
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
3 eggs
1/2 cup milk

BUTTER SYRUP:

1 cup butter
1 cup buttermilk
2 cups sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon maple flavoring
1/2 teaspoon baking soda

Directions
Cut each roll in half. In a small bowl, combine sugar and cinnamon. Roll each portion of dough into sugar mixture and place in a 9-in. x 3-in. loaf pan coated with cooking spray. Cover with plastic wrap coated with cooking spray.

Let rise until dough is even with the top of the pan. Remove wrap. Bake at 350° for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from pan to cool on wire rack.

Meanwhile for syrup, bring butter, buttermilk and sugar to a boil, stirring constantly. Remove from the heat. Stir in vanilla, maple flavoring and baking soda; set aside.

Slice bread to desired thickness. In a shallow bowl, beat eggs and milk. Dip bread slices into egg mixture to coat both sides. Cook on a greased hot griddle until golden brown on both sides and cooked through. Serve with syrup. Yield: 8 servings.

Baked apple pie french toast

2011-08-13T19:22:00.000-06:00

20 slices French bread (1 inch thick)
1 can (21 ounces) apple pie filling
8 eggs
2 cups 2% milk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
TOPPING:
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup cold butter, cubed
1 cup chopped pecans
2 tablespoons corn syrup

Directions
Arrange 10 slices of bread in a greased 13-in. x 9-in. baking dish. Spread with pie filling; top with remaining bread. In a large bowl, combine the eggs, milk, vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg. Pour over bread. Cover and refrigerate overnight.

Remove from the refrigerator 30 minutes before baking. Meanwhile, place brown sugar in a small bowl. Cut in butter until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Stir in pecans and corn syrup. Sprinkle over French toast.

Bake, uncovered, at 350° for 35-40 minutes or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean. Yield: 10 servings.

Scalloped Chicken

2011-08-13T19:11:00.000-06:00

1 5oz box scalloped potatoes including seasoning
1 8oz or larger can white chicken meat'
3 3/4 water over top.

Put potatoes in a greased slow cooker. Top with the seasoning packet and chicken and then pour water over the top. Cover and cook on low heat for 6-8 hour

All day salsa Chicken

2011-08-13T19:02:00.000-06:00

3-4 chicken breasts
1 16oz jar chunky salsa
1 10.5oz can cream of chicken soup (optional)

Place chicken in a greased slow cooker. Combine the salsa and soup and then pour over the chicken. Cover and cook on low heat for 6-8 hours.

Lemonade Chicken, slow cooker

2011-08-13T18:56:00.000-06:00

4 Boneless chicken breasts
1 can frozen lemonade, thawed
3 T brown sugar
1 T vinegar
1/4 C ketchup
1 can chicken broth

Place chicken in a greased 3 to 4 1/2 quart slow cooker. Combine the remaining ingredients and then pour over the chicken. Cover and cook on low heat for 6-8 hours or on high heat for 3-4 hours.

Honey lemon Chicken

2011-08-13T18:50:00.000-06:00

Ingredients

1/2 cup lemon juice
1/3 cup honey
1/4 cup soy sauce
2 tablespoons finely chopped onion
4 garlic cloves, minced
2 teaspoons dried parsley flakes
2 teaspoons dried basil
1 teaspoon salt-free seasoning blend
1 teaspoon white pepper
1 teaspoon lime juice
6 boneless skinless chicken breast halves (4 ounces each)

Directions

In a large bowl, combine the first 10 ingredients. Pour 2/3 cup marinade into a large resealable plastic bag; add the chicken. Seal bag and turn to coat; refrigerate for at least 4 hours or overnight. Cover and refrigerate the remaining marinade.

Drain and discard marinade. Using long-handled tongs, moisten a paper towel with cooking oil and lightly coat the grill rack. Grill chicken, uncovered, over medium heat or broil 4 in. from the heat for 6-8 minutes on each side or until a meat thermometer reads 170°, basting occasionally with reserved marinade. Yield: 6 servings.

2011-08-13T14:42:00.004-06:00

hmmmmm

Banana Bread

2011-08-04T09:38:00.000-06:00

Ingredients
1-3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1-1/2 cups sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
2 medium ripe bananas, mashed (1 cup)
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon buttermilk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup chopped walnuts

Directions

In a large bowl, stir together flour, sugar, baking soda and salt. In another bowl, combine the eggs, bananas, oil, buttermilk and vanilla; add to flour mixture, stirring just until combined. Fold in nuts.

Pour into a greased 9-in. x 5-in. loaf pan. Bake at 325° for 1 hour 20 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool on wire rack. Yield: 1 loaf.

Five Summertime favorites

2011-07-31T16:43:00.000-06:00

South County Swimming Pass

Wild toads

Bountiful baskets, our local food co-op has been wonderful. I am loving the fresh produce, and the great price.

I love summer reading. Without school the kids have the chance to read as much as they like, and with all of the extra time spent reading we are having some great (sometimes odd) discussions.

Spending lots of time with my family.

2011-07-30T23:21:00.001-06:00

I call you friend

2011-07-30T11:28:00.000-06:00

Dear Friend,

I was thinking about you today. Your smile, the way you laugh, and the way you are when you aren't laughing. I was thinking about the last time I saw you, the things we did and that thing you said, that I liked. I was thinking about that gift you gave me, that piece of yourself that you let me have. I carry it with me now, the piece of you that has became a piece of me. So even when you are not with me, I always have you with me.

You have the same mother as I do. You live just across the street. You are 29 years older than me. You are 12 years younger than me. I have never seen your face, and I never go more than a couple of days without seeing you.

You are my friend, and I am so lucky to call you mine.

We walk across the street to visit, or I see you in the store. I call you, or I email you.     We went to elementary school together, and I know all of your best secrets. I met you on the Internet, such an unlikely place to find the kind of friend I have in you.   I barely know you, but I know everything about you. I married your brother, or you married mine. I have only known you for 4 months but, it feels like it has been an eternity. I once called you stranger, in a crowded room I tried to remember your name, but now I will never forget,

your name is friend.

You are my sister, my sister-in-law, my neighbor, a childhood schoolmate, a fellow blogger, a cousin, my mother, my daughter, we go to church together, everywhere I look I see you.

You are my friend.

You make me laugh, that deep belly laugh that I can't control, the one that usual ends in me snorting, and you love it every time.
You have seen me cry. Very sad tears that could not be stopped, so you put your arm around me and just listened to my sobs.
You were so proud of me, and you told me so, in perfect detail you told me everything I did right.
You knew It was all my fault, my mistakes were big, but you loved me in spite of me. You didn't judge me when I was at my worst, you just waited because you knew my best was just around the corner.
You said,

"That's just what friends do".

You lived next door in the white house with the door at the back, and just four houses down the street with the coolest sand box and the biggest tree. You shared my bedroom with me, and I never wanted you to, until the day you didn't. I told you stories every night, grand stories that took us quickly from one adventure to the next. In the dark you listened until dreamy sleep stole my eagar audience.

I held your hand when you made that phone call. The one that we will never forget, the one that changed the course of your life forever.   I sat by you at the funeral, we both cried because we were supposed to but, mostly we were numb and confused. You came to stay at my house after that.


I stopped by your house on the way to school. You taught me how to curl and rat my bangs in rocker 80's style. We passed notes in math class. You introduced me to my first crimper and mascara. You shared your notes with me when I lost mine.

We fell in love with the same boy. I borrowed your shirt for that date, with that boy, the one we both liked, and you didn't even make me feel bad for being the one he asked out. We learned to drive that year.

I taught you to drive in a parking lot, and it was really scary, mom should have never let us take the car together.You were my Maid of Honor, but you cried because you didn't want me to leave. Then cleaned my room when I was gone.

I moved into the same apartment building as you. I called you first when I found out I was going to have a baby, I couldn't wait to tell you, and you screamed like it was the best thing in the world, and then I couldn't cry because you were so happy it seemed silly to be scared.

When I got tired you held my baby. You held him even though he was screaming and it was the middle of the night and you should have been sleeping, but you weren't, because you were holding my baby. And you told me to go lay down, night after night, you would take him and I would close my eyes until I had the strength to rock him again. You never told me you were tired but, I knew you were.

When I first thought something was wrong I told you, and you listened. You never told me I was right or wrong, you never tried to solve it for me. You knew I could do it, so I did, and I do. You watched me grow and change.

You bought me cereal and bananas. I have been there when everyone of you babies have been born. 1 2 3 4, keep going, you can do it, you are almost there, look at me, I need you to to breathe,
push, push P U S H! I feel like I have said those things a million times now. Thanks for letting me do that for you.

You helped me raise money for a cause I believed in. You gave me a book that changed my life. You walk with me in the morning when it is dark, and when I would be scared if I was alone, but I am not because you are there. I look up to you, what you do amazes me! You love it when I dance because I am really bad, and that is what makes it so good, or at least that is what you tell me. You know all of the things that made me, me. You tiled my bathroom when you were 8 and half months pregnant, and you were so big you could barely bend over, but you spent all day on your hands and knees for me, when I got home I was suprised, and you were tierd. You are my friend even when we decide we don't want the same things.

You send me all of your favorite songs, because you know I will like them. You take my kids when I need a break. You showed up at my house, to drag out wet carpet, even though you were mad at me, because I yelled and I shouldn't have, and I didn't say sorry. Even though your house had burned just weeks before, or even though you had other things to do. You came without me asking, because you knew I would need you.

You came to hug me because you knew I would be crying, and I was. So you just held me and didn't say a thing. You didn't need to understand why this would hurt so much you cared because it did. You show me how to be vulnerable. You let me call you when I am afraid I am going to fall asleep, but I am driving, so even though it is the middle of the night, and you could be sleeping, you talk to me, so I will stay awake. You let me keep my chicken at your house, and then when it turned out to be a bad chicken you got rid of it for me, because you knew I couldn't do it. You know me like that, the things I would rather do on my own, and the things I just can't.

When it is quiet I think of you.
.......that person who I call friend. The one who knows me and loves me and the one I love,
exactly as you are,
beautiful,
strong,
smart,
funny,
and brave.

I LOVE YOU!

THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART OF MY STORY.

Pleased with me

2011-07-27T23:32:00.002-06:00

I can’t do everything. I know because I tried.
told myself I could, and then found out I lied
I believed with all my heart that I could do it all,
But I can’t do everything, and when I try I fall.

I can’t please everyone. I know because I tried.
I needed their love so much, sometimes I compromised.
But the more I live and learn, the more I clearly see
That I can’t please anyone, until I’m pleased with me.

So here I am asking with all my heart
For the feelings I have been dreaming of.
Just fill the empty spaces that keep us apart,
And help me find myself in your love.

Cause I can't do anything
without some help from above.
And I can’t please anyone until I know I’m loved.
And I believe I’m loved

"

2011-07-27T20:35:00.000-06:00

It was one of those moments where the moons aligned perfectly for just the right amount of time. Someone knew someone, who knew someone important, and that someone was coming to speak to our ward for a youth fireside. Even at the tender age of 14 I knew this was something I wouldn't want to miss.

Micheal McLean was a singer that I had been listening to for years but it would be 2 decades before the words and the story and the songs of that night would be felt as the tender mercy that I believed that God meant for them to be.

It was one of the few firesides I remember from my youth. Seated near the front between a loving Mom and Dad I waited eagerly for Micheal McLean to start singing. I was sure that was what I had come for, but that night eased itself into something that I hadn't seen coming. In between the songs he told us stories. It held me, captured in the realness of how raw life can be. He wasn't giving us platitudes based on a unrealistic expectation of perfection, he was talking about real people. There was something different about the way he spoke, it would be years before I realized the difference was held in the courage to speak to youth about real life.
He told our little group gathered together on church pews that this would be his last fireside. Tired and worn, our star was preparing to retire. Something in the air whispered I would never forget this night. The last song he sang was "I can't do everything". The words of this song etched silently in my heart that night.
I grew up of course, and time replaced my tapes with CD's and eventually an IPOD. In a box my worn Micheal McLean tapes became as forgotten as the notes passed between giggling girls in health class.... until ....
I had made the trek from Riverton to Logan to put in 24 hours at a women's retreat that I love. Seated in the back row so I could escape to help with lighting or lunch I listened as a dear friend spoke of our desires as women. Her words moved effortlessly, some of the stories I had heard before and some I hadn't. The session ended and then the song that I had all at once forgotten but never forgot began to play.
I can’t do everything. I know because I tried.
I told myself I could, and then found out I lied
I believed with all my heart that I could do it all,
But I can’t do everything, and when I try I fall.

I can’t please everyone. I know because I tried.
I needed their love so much, sometimes I compromised.
But the more I live and learn, the more I clearly see
That I can’t please anyone, until I’m pleased with me.
So here I am asking with all my heart
For the feelings I have been dreaming of.
Just fill the empty spaces that keep us apart,
And help me find myself in your love.
Cause I can't do anything
without some help from above.
And I can’t please anyone until I know I’m loved.
And I believe I’m loved

In the last 3 months there have been few days when I have not listened to this song. I would listen and I would cry. Or I would listen and pray or I would listen and just stare numbly out the window at a house across the street. Decisions can be difficult to make, life gives us curve balls we didn't see coming and sometimes it just snows in June, but the words run through my head like a sermon designed by my creator for this place in my life. I take a step in one direction and feel the pain of rejection. I second guess my steps, paralyzed by the fear of not being able to please everyone.... and I pray for the courage to do do the right thing, whatever that is.
When I lay my head on my pillow at night I hear the whispers of loving creator, and I believe the words of this song prepare me to listen to what he needs me to hear.

"This isn't about them, it never was, sweet child this is all about you. Be kind to yourself, be gentle, trust your gut and stay true to who you are. I have things I could only teach you here in this place. My approval and forgiveness is all you need, let go of what they think is the right thing for you to do, and do the things that leave you pleased with the life you are living."
So if you wonder, if you disapprove, if you think I should do it better or different I want you to know I have already realized I don't need to. I am letting go of needing your love so much that I compromise and holding on to knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me as I am.
When I looked on his website to put a year with this fireside, it seemed it couldn't have possibly happened.. His music was released like clockwork every couple of years right up to the present, there is no mention of a retirement, a sabatical or even a trip to Africa, and so I wonder....Micheal did you ever retire?

Thoughts on strength

2011-07-27T12:09:00.002-06:00

by Stephanie StClaire at
http://BLISSBOMBED.com/

True strength is not about force, but about conviction. It lives at the center of belief where fear and uncertainty can not gain a foothold. Its opposite is not cowardice and fear but confusion, lack of clarity, and lack of sound intention.

True strength does not magnify others’ weaknesses. It makes others stronger. If someone’s strength makes others feel weaker, it is merely domination, and that is not strength at all.

Take care to find your own strength. Nurture it. Develop it. Share it with those around you. Let it become a light for those who are living in darkness.

But no matter how we exhibit strength, its truest measure is the calm and certain conviction with which it causes us to act. It is the ability to discern the path with heart and follow it even when at the moment we might wish to be doing something else.
Remember, strength based in force is a strength people fear. Strength based in love is a strength people crave.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. To be the benefactor of both virtues makes living in the contrast, I have found, a worthy endeavor.

True strength does not require an adversary and does not see itself as noble or heroic. It simply does what it must without praise or need of recognition.

Contrast. Black versus white. Empty versus full. Despair versus hope. Contrast. One learns a lot about what is, by living in the shadow of what’s not.

We each have a different approach against hopeless odds….and finding our inner strength.

Some of us are able to perserve against hopeless odds. Some are able to see light in a world of darkness. Some are able to give selflessly with no thought of return, while others are able to bring a sense of important measure into the hearts of those around them.

A person who can quietly stay at home and care for an aging parent is as strong as a person who can scale a vertical drop mountain. A person who can stand up for a principle is as strong as a person who can fend off an army. They simply have a quieter, less dramatic kind of strength.

Girls Camp 2011

2011-07-14T21:20:00.001-06:00

I attended girls camp this week for the first time in 18 years. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for the chance to get to spend a couple of days with these AMAZING girls and leaders, and be a part of a experience that these girls will never forget. Bear Lake was beautiful, the cabin was perfect and I couldn't have picked a way that I would have rather spent the week.

So here are the Girls Camp Highlights... condensed version, of course

Theme, Fishers of Men.... so touching to hear each of the leaders share a piece of this with the girls. The theme was weaved nicely throughout the entire four days, but the highlight was a couple of times each day we would have a short devotional and then pass out a pin for the girls fishing hats.

Activities, Pickleville play house where we watched Joseph and the Amazing technicolor dream coat. The girls left singing and swooning over the 11 brothers (I guess one was missing).

Menatoka Cave where we walked through 888 stairs and seen neat cave formations and even a little bat. The best part was when we got to the end of the cave one of the leaders shared with us the Tree of Life and Iron Rod analogy. Afterwards they turned off the lights in the cave. In complete darkness each girl experienced the importance of staying close to the gospel as they held to the iron railing and made there way back for a couple of minutes.

Shirt decorating
swimming
playing king of the hill on the floating dock
(happy to say I eventually learned to hold my own and even tossed a couple of girls over the edge)
having giant fish suck on your toes,
testimony meeting
breakfast made by our VERY dedicated Priesthood leaders
giggling until 2 in the morning
nail salon by Nikol
B.A.R.F.
movie night, and diving girls
Pizza and shakes
A message from our bishop
Enough chicken salad for the next 4 girls camps
sleeping in real beds (oh we are so VERY spoiled)

I bet it comes as no surprise that many of the girls left saying this was the best girls camp ever, I wonder if they say this every year but since this was my first chance to go I completely agree with them.

I had so many neat opportunities to talk to girls and have conversations that you never get around to having back at home. In the quiet moments we got to talk about their hopes, dreams and testimonies. I love these girls and the other leaders I went with, and feel so blessed that I got this chance.

2011-07-06T07:54:00.000-06:00

Take Me into the Beautiful
by Cloverton

Take me into the beautiful won't You take me back again
With a love unexplainable, come fill up this dry land
Let it open our eyes to see a world we've never seen
Let it open our hearts up to see You inside of us
You're here inside of me
Take me into the beautiful where the rivers flow
Where the love that never ends
Oh I wanna go to the beautiful
lalalalalalala
Take me into the beautiful where the faces glow
Where the lights that never dim
Oh I wanna go to the beautiful
Come on and take me again
Take me into the mystery, gently lift me with Your grace
Make the chaos a chorus, with Yourself come fill this place
Cover me with Your mercy, come and cover me with love
Cover me so that all might see that it's You not me
It is You that I am singing of
Take me into the beautiful where the rivers flow
Where the love that never ends
Oh I wanna go to the beautiful
lalalalalalala
Take me into the beautiful where the faces glow
Where the lights that never dim
Oh I wanna go to the beautiful
Come on and take me again
A love that's brighter than diamonds when I'm with You
A love that always invites us to be with You
Your love is brighter than diamonds now that I'm with You
Take me into the beautiful where the rivers flow
Where the love that never ends
Oh I wanna go to the beautiful
lalalalalalala
Take me into the beautiful where the faces glow
Where the lights that never dim
Oh I wanna go to the beautiful
Come on and take me again
lalalalalalalala

2011-07-05T10:23:00.000-06:00

Ahhh the joy of taking a family picture. For the record teenager on the end had not been recently tortured.

This is a little trick we like to call pigs in a basket or random pug abuse. We strap a clothes basket to the front of the 4 wheeler and then plop 3 dogs in and drive them all over the mountain.

I figure there are two ways to pack for camp....well prepared, and why bother trying. This trip I opted for the later of the two choices. The list of things I forgot is very very long, and includes clothes for me and Kimmie. After getting dirty on the first day I ended up spending the rest of the trip wearing Dylan's clothes, sigh. Poor Kimmie wore Mat's clothes, which was far more traumatic for her than I ever imagined it could be.

Horrocks Family Reunion

2011-06-25T08:48:00.000-06:00

Or you can call this post a bunch of pictures of me with people I love very much.Suddenly it feels like there is enough babies to go around and I love it! This is Luke, he is one of the twins. We also have Kendra, Luke's one and a half year old big sister who up until 3 days ago would have NOTHING to do with me. We are talking I couldn't even look at her without causing tears to irrupt.... which of course broke my heart. I have finally won her over though, and she actually cried to come with me when I left her house last Thursday, which of course also broke my heart. No post about babies would be complete without mention of Kaylie, my other sisters baby daughter who has reached the giant smile phase of life. She is such an adorable little girl, and so fun to hold.

This is a picture of my parents with almost all of their children and grandchildren. The new twins are missing and Johnny and Elizabeth who live out of state.

Four of my favorite people in the entire world, and the BEST gift my parents ever gave me...sisters.

My husband skipped work for a couple of hours to show up. Thanks Chad, you know how much this meant to me. I love you, and I am amazed at how hard you work for our family. You are a good man.

I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate what my parents have done for me. They are two of the kindest people I have ever meet, and have taught me so much about how to live life.

The truth in where I stood at the moment

2011-06-21T08:09:00.001-06:00

While wondering through the desert this weekend I became quite enamored with a little cactus and patch of weeds I stumbled upon. My kids were doing target practice with their Dad so I knew I had plenty of time to kill. I took one picture after another of this plant. When I got home I plugged my memory card in and was a wee bit surprised at what I seen.

I had over a hundred different versions of the truth, and all of them were true. Each picture was taken from where I stood at the moment. The lens of my camera could only capture what it seen.

There was a time I thought that the truth was simple. In black and white, truth would look the same to anyone who seen it. Life and picture taking has taught me something different though. Truth looks different depending on where you stand and what you focus on. The truth I seen looked different from the twists and, turns I took to see it. I got close and captured detail, but missed the background. I stood too far back and missed how beautiful it was up close. In one picture I missed the ground completely and ended up taking a picture of the sky, it was a beautiful mistake, and the truth of where I stood at the moment.

2011-06-20T10:17:00.000-06:00

Day 1 intentional living

2011-06-14T22:23:00.000-06:00

Salem seems to be the perfect place to restart my focus on happy living. Most of my best memories have the familiar theme of my Grandma's farm and the place still holds just enough magic that a visit can take me back to a time when my worries were 25 years lighter. Today I headed South to visit my Aunt Hilda who is in the hospital and enjoy a day of fishing and playing in the water at the pond with my kids. My Dear Mom tagged along and we meandered through the streets of a city that I dearly love. I have always secretly dreamed of moving there. The city is old, and charming, with houses dating back to the late 1800's. The streets are quiet and the trees are huge. The pond sits in the middle of a town that has as many cows as it does people.

I found a house that was for sale, and in my price range. I am pretty sure it is a bad sign that in the description they mention "YOU CAN TEAR THE HOUSE DOWN".

This is the bridge where my husband proposed to me. He drove my blindfolded from Salt Lake after work one night. I proably don't need to mention that I said yes.

Have I ever mentioned how much I adore my mother?

Summer plans

2011-06-14T07:51:00.001-06:00

Summer has began, the sun is shining and the last school bell has rang for the 2010/11 school year. With longer days and more free time I am looking forward to spending time with my kids and diving head first into making an intentional choice at enjoying my life and the blessings I have.

I would be lying if I didn't admit how hard the last two months have been. It is not my story so I won't share the details, but it has impacted me in a very deep way so I want to write about it. Writing has always been how I put my life into perspective. What began as trying to do the right thing lead to many long sleepless nights as I tried to work things out in my own mind. On one of those nights I remembered a quote I had tucked away in my Bible. I scurried from bed and read the worn piece of paper by the light of the moon shining through my bedroom window.

When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trail head any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and its time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore."

— Elizabeth Gilberts

Tears trickled slowly down my face as I realized that too many nights had fallen, I had become lost in my own life. I had no idea which direction I should look to find the sun.

So my summer plans are simple. Find my way back to me. Return to the choice's that take care of me and my family.

Spend time with my kids everyday
Be kind to myself and others
Pray
Write
Laugh
Listen to music
Get out in the sun
Walk and swim and dance
Spend a little time everyday making something beautiful
Cook yummy food that will make my tummy happy
Read good books

Sweet babies

2011-06-08T20:05:00.002-06:00

We eagerly awaited the day my sweet sister would give birth to twins. Luke and Lacey pushed and stretched inside her growing belly. Weeks marked off the calender 35, 36, 37, 38, it seemed we wouldn't have to worry about them arriving too soon, and anticipated healthy babies.

The day came and my sister delivered her little boy first. Within moments we were reminded how fragile life can be. Luke's tiny heart failed to beat. Doctor's and nurses moved quickly to breathe oxygen into his tiny lungs and give chest compressions to remind his heart what it was made to do.

In NICU Luke laid exhausted from the effort of being born. My sisters bishop came to give her baby son a blessing. This little boy needed to get the will to live, he needed to fight for life. This wasn't something the doctors or nurses could do for him. In prayer he reminded my sister how important she is to her little family, and how important her family is to a Heavenly Father. It was one of those moments that shifts the way you see the world, because her husband was not at her side.

Her husband was 3 halls, and 2 large metal doors away

holding Lacey their infant daughter because she was not allowed inside the NICU. They would switch back and forth so neither baby was left alone too long. When both babies were strong enough to go home the game of tag would continue; you do this so I can do that. Together they keep their children safe and cover them in love. It would be hard for any family to not be changed by the experience, even if just a little bit. I think today our family is reminded exactly how important we are to each other. You do this and I will do that and together we will get where we need to be.

Orthella they are beautiful, thanks for letting me play photographer one more time.

2011-06-07T22:43:00.000-06:00

I found this unfinished, unpublished post from about a year ago. I still wonder though

Last night I was thinking..... God is only as sane or as crazy as the one who is listening to him. It was really a rather disturbing thought, but as the the David Mitchell case takes center stage in news papers and TV, it is hard not to think about the voices people follow. I grew up in the 80's it was hard to not hear about Ervil LeBaron, about the trail of death that he had orchestrated, and about the fact that all of this had been commanded by God. Ervil was a special kind of crazy, and so is David Mitchel, probably the kind of crazy that should be locked away, but what about the rest of us?

I have seen others, people much closer to me. They talk of hearing his voice and following his call. Sometimes I see their actions portray the God I know, a God of love and mercy.... and then there are other times when I see people follow a voice that seems to scream of anger and selfishness. They justify their actions and I wonder can your God be any saner than you are. Can his voice drown out your own muffled cries of unhealthy living if you are screaming inside.

More Moab trip

2011-06-06T17:50:00.001-06:00

Amazed by your beauty

2011-06-01T17:14:00.000-06:00

Memorial day weekend marks the beginning of Summer for our family, each year we leave civilization to take a crack at living in the wild. As the earth starts to thaw from winter I find myself looking out the windows. My heart is drawn to the dirt and the trees. I find solace in the sound of the wind and and a river. As May began to fade away it didn't look like we were going to be able to get away , camp sites and hotels were all filled..... and then at the last minute a tender mercy, and we made it. The trip was more than I could hope for, and the beauty of the earth waking up from spring took my breath away.

Honey bees

2011-05-16T21:51:00.001-06:00

You may have already heard the news, honey bees are struggling to survive. A condition called hive collapse is threatening the future of our beloved pollinators. If things do not change by the year 2035 honey bees could be extinct, it is hard not to feel their desperate plight and want to help them out.

When a swarm of honey bees landed in a tree at the elementary school Friday, it didn't look to good for the little guys. Everyone knows bee stings can cause an allergic reaction that can lead to death. An exterminator was called out to keep everyone safe. The school staff and I worked out a deal. I would keep someone by the tree so no one would accidentally get stung and I had three hours to get the swarm moved. School had already ended for the weekend, and the play ground had all but cleared out, but 3 hours is not much time..... I wondered for a second if I was in way over my head. It turned out to be a cool day for me and my kids. Dylan has been reading about bees for the last couple of months in hope of getting our own hive, and my sisters recently got hives, so we had some knowledge of where to start. Enjoy our pictures and video of the event.

Did I mention bee stings hurt, I know because I ended up with the camera and no bee protection. A bee got snagged under the strap to my camera, and I got stung. OUCH!

Moving bees

2011-05-16T21:50:00.000-06:00

Meet the family dogs

2011-05-16T20:55:00.000-06:00

This is Paris, the Alpha dog of our family. Paris decides, who, what, where, and when, and exactly how much, which would be funny except for it tis true.

Happy list

2011-05-01T22:39:00.000-06:00

Years (many many many years) ago my sister (the one who is about to give birth to 2 little babies) made a happy list.   I loved her list, it made me... well... happy.   While visiting with my adorable friend Melissa this week she shared with me the idea of a happy book. Think scrap booking meets inspirational thoughts with a list of everything that makes you feel warm fuzzy and loved thrown in... good stuff if you ask me.   So I am starting my happy book for the days when happy has flown out the window like a bird with a brand new pair of wings. Here is a sneak peek at my list....

Glitter toes, they are so very pretty. Every time I look at my toes I go ahhhh

Autumn.... no not the season, the girl. I meet her at a get away, and thought WOW that girl is neat. Right before I left she said hey we should get together sometime....what?   She thought I was neat too, now that makes me happy.

A new pillow. The big fluffy kind that feel like you are sleeping on a little slice of heaven.

A hug from my super cool teen age son.   Kind of nice that at almost 15 he hasn't stopped liking me, come to think of it, it makes me happy.

Bats.. you know the mammal that flies.   Seriously cool because most mammals don't fly (of course I am pretty sure you already knew that).

Since we are talking about things that fly... Owls, they are my favorite bird, and they make me happy every time I see one.

Doing girlie things with my daughter, she is such a precious gift.

Ok, so now I want to know, what is on your list?

2011-04-20T18:02:00.036-06:00

We sat across from each other still numb, silence muffled the air around us. We knew there was no fight left. Our complaints would be like a rock thrown into a tornado, kicking and screaming would not change the direction big government was taking. The news felt like a death sentence to the little shop we had waited 11 years to buy. With nothing left to say my husband opened the gift I had brought to the shop wrapped in colorful tissue paper. Inside we would find the answer to the question that hung naked in the air. I had worked on the 8 minutes of DVD for months, it was more coincidence that I had finished just days earlier than planning but as we watched it we new exactly what our plan would be We were going to hold tightly to the only thing that has ever mattered and learn to let go of everything else.

PS the video is horrifically boring to anyone but us, but 6 months of picture scanning and VHS to DVD transfer is going to get shared.

The big reveal

2011-04-20T09:58:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was the big reveal. The day we have been anxiously anticipating for months. UDOT is doing a massive road project on 5400 S, the road our business sits on. I will be honest, it doesn't look good for us. When we faced being bull dozed it felt like we were going to be shot and then put on life support. We might survive, we might not. We would relocate and hope our customers would follow. Now it feels like we are going to slowly starve to death. When UDOT representatives showed up yesterday we found out that all businesses and homes on the South side of the road from 4015 W to 4800 W will be acquired (bull dozed) for the project. We are on the North side of the road. We will remain open but access to our business will be somewhere between cumbersome to impossible from the west side of the valley, where most of the zip codes of our costumers come from. UDOT is not releasing the plans until Friday so until then you get my hand drawn maps - totally to scale of course. Tell me what you think. I know my husband and I are wound a little tight, is this anxiety or are we really about to sink?

First picture is how the road sits now. If you were a car going East on 5400 S this is the path you would take to see us. I think you can click on the pictures to make them full screen.

This is the new road plan. It took 3 pages to draw this one out because that is how far and out of their way costumers will have to go to get to see us.

So let me explain what is happening. You head west on 5400 S pass where you used to turn left, instead keep going and turn right at the light. Now you are headed South (away from the shop) to the next intersection where you will make a U turn, now you are headed North, back towards the shop. You can't turn left back onto 5400 S (where we are at) so you will go through that intersection to the next one, where you will make ANOTHER U turn, now you are headed South again towards the street you started on. Make a right on 5400 S and another right to get your car fixed.

what used to be a left turn access in, (0 stop lights)

NOW is a

3 right turn

2 U turn

go through 5 stop light access.

What used to take 30 seconds will now be an additional 15 minutes of driving in a circle to get back to where you started from.

Will our costumers keep us as their trusted mechanic shop? Or am I just an overly anxious person to think they might just stop at one of the other 3 muffler shops that they will pass on the way?

Yes this is UDOT's intended permanent planned route of travel for access to our business. They had this all drawn out to scale with maps and charts to show us. This is the best plan they could come up with (me shaking my head), and yes we have no choice but to deal with it.

2011-04-16T08:54:00.001-06:00

When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and its time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you dont even know from which direction the sun rises anymore."

— Elizabeth Gilbert

2011-04-13T19:47:00.001-06:00

Do you know what happens when you come in my house looking like this? I cut off all of your hair.... I am just saying you have been warned!

Dad's day off

2011-04-13T08:08:00.000-06:00

My husband's days off have become fewer and further between... I didn't think that was possible but, we have found it is. We miss him, I can't even begin to express how much we miss him. Each of us in our own way, and each of us for a different reason. I need a partner, he is my back up, my other half. The one who fills in the gaps when I don't have enough. Dylan needs a man to teach him to be a man, there comes a point when boys need their father. Mat loves his Dad, Kimmie craves his attention and Colton craves a parent willing to play and laugh. We are a week away from the next big change. We will find out what UDOT (Utah department of transportation) will do with the road in front of our business. 7 days until we find out if our shop will meet the fate of a wrecking ball, but for 4 hours none of that mattered. We took a break to play. With a van full of treats we headed to the west desert to get a lesson in target practice from Dad.

This was my favorite part of the trip. After missing the target by a mile my husband had me lay down, so the gun would be more stable. Still no luck, I realized I can't close just one of my eyes... a very important part of looking through a scope. So I yelled I need one of my children who loves me..... they all came running. I had Dylan put his hand over my left eye so I could see through the scope. My husband got a good laugh, but I am proud to say I hit the bulls eye!

and the winners are.....

2011-04-07T07:58:00.001-06:00

Thank you for stopping by my blog. This has been so much fun for me and my kids. Last night about 9 my daughter almost had me convinced to draw the names because she was so excited. It is a good thing we waited, our third winner entered after nine last night.

Kathryn-- watch and 3 bands

Tonya-- watch and 3 bands

Nicole W-- watch and 3 bands

Sarah S-- hope cards

Tsoie and P-- charm necklace

Julie -- surprise

The five things I wish someone would have told me...

2011-04-05T13:28:00.000-06:00

1. Come up with your own definition of success. Parenting a child with disabilities is not going to look the same as parenting a typical child. Be intentional and mindful about choosing to celebrate success.   Our children deserve to see us celebrate their growth and achievement. We deserve to celebrate. Do not compare your life with others... do not let shame guide your path. What do you want success to look like? Ask the question and choose an answer that is within your grasp.

2. You are going to learn to fight in a way you never thought possible. Embrace the fight, let the fight make you stronger and find your voice in the struggle. Our children have needs that are often not met by the traditional system. To get their needs met you will learn to not back down when faced with adverse situations. When the world pushes, you will learn to push back. Be proud of yourself as you grow in strength.

3.   Take good care of yourself. You can only be the best parent when you are healthy physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Get plenty of rest, eat your vegetables, get sunshine everyday, know when to call for help and set boundaries. Take the time and space to connect with your creator, you will need him along the way. Check in with yourself often, and ask "am I OK, am I getting what I need, if not what should I change?"

4.   You are doing a good job. (No really you are).   I know there will be times when you walk in a room and know that you have the hardest child in the room., defeat can catch up with us. It can feel like a backpack of rocks that we carry everywhere we go... when will we have the next melt down, when will we get the next phone call.  Lay your backpack of rocks down in knowing this is not parenting for beginners, this is graduate level parenting. You are using more skills, more patience, and you are probably putting in more hours. You are doing a good job, even when it does not look graceful.

5. Live in the moment. The future is full of questions that can not be answered. Asking those questions will only lead to uncertainty about the place you are in right now.    Take a deep breath and let all of that go. Today you need to put all of your effort into dealing with today. I am not saying do not plan for the future, I am saying do not ask questions that can not be answered, you will know the difference.

Autism Journey

2011-04-02T05:12:00.000-06:00

Every journey begins somewhere. This journey I didn't know that I had started. It wasn't the path that I thought I was on. Autism was a word you learned in health class,..... it was hallow and empty..... it didn't touch you. It was like the moon it was always there but sometimes you could go months without thinking about it. But the moon landed on the foot of my bed, welcome to my journey, the one I didn't know that I had started.

On May 24th 1996, months of waiting finally ended, my beautiful baby boy entered the world. As I looked into his face I had no idea what challenges would face us as he grew. At that moment he was perfect in every way. The baby boy I had always dreamed of was here and I wanted nothing more than to be his mother. I brought him home from the hospital less than 24hrs later brimming with hopes and dreams for our future. He could be anything, a doctor, a football player an astronaut. The world was his and I couldn't wait to share it with him.

From the time he was small he was awake. Other mothers talked about naps as I held my very awake baby on my lap. His body was stiff and he wasn't happy unless he was standing up, and so I held him under his arms so he could support some of his weight on his little baby legs. Other mothers talked about their babies sleeping through the night and I wondered what I was doing wrong. I tried everything I could but my baby wouldn't sleep. As he grew he seemed to sleep less. Some nights he would scream for hours on end as I held him in our front room. I began to question myself as a mother why did my baby cry so much why couldn't I get him to sleep. He reached all of his milestones on time though, my baby rolled, then set up, and then at a year he learned to walk.

He was amazed at lights and would stare at them. We thought that this was cute, how could we have been so naive.

Was the worry always there or did it just start slowly creeping in one day. I've tried to pin it down. Did we worry something was wrong when he was one or was it when he was two. Dylan looked like other children but the feeling was there, something was different. Around Christmas when he was two and a half he got sick and was put in the hospital. When he left the hospital there was a look in his eyes that wasn't there before, he looked tired, he looked empty. Within a week he started having seizures. Seizures strike a fear in mothers like few other things. To see your baby shake and lose control of their body, as they strain to take in air you hold your breath for them. If you stop breathing will your child start? From that day on I lived with the worry that I might lose my child. I just didn't know how.

When he turned three, it was time for him to leave the nursery class at church and enter sunbeams.....where you set on a chair for two hours and learn, and sing. My heart sunk, when did children learn to set on chairs for two hours, my son couldn't make it 3 minutes. Had I failed him already, I thought that I was doing my best and now here we were, the first of many situations when success was not possible. I felt the stares as teachers drug him to me screaming down the hall. "He needs to learn to set still', one well meaning teacher actually told me that I should have him set on a chair one minute for every minute he wasn't good at church (which was usually the whole three hours). For weeks after she told me this I tried. We would set on the couch....he would scream.....I would cry tears of frustration and defeat. Two hours later he would be asleep and I would be sure that I had failed this child once again. What was it that I didn't know about being a mother that everyone else did? Why couldn't he act like the other kids?

Answers didn't come, I started him in preschool, and I held my breath once again. Would he do better in preschool where he would get to play with other kids? When we went to the orientation they had the kids draw a picture of himself. He couldn't do it, not even close. My son had no idea how to hold a crayon. I wrapped my hand around his little fingers and drug the crayon across the page. It was so much harder than it should have been, he fought to get away from me. I didn't know at the time that this drama over writing would still be a part of my life today. I overheard a mother next to me "oooh look at Sarah's picture, I've heard the more details that a child puts into their picture at this age the higher their IQ is". Oh, I didn't know that, I stared down at our paper with a line drawn down the middle, maybe I'll just fold this up and put it in my purse. Months later I asked the preschool teacher how he was doing? His primary teacher had described him as one of the destroying angels and I was worried about behavior problems. "Oh Dylan......not at all, he is very quiet, but he sure does like books, I can't get him to join the group when we play, he would rather sit in the corner and look at books". I shouldn't have worried a child who just likes books isn't a problem, it's a good thing, right? In fact at age four his love of books was so intense that if given the choice between the library and the park he would always pick the library, we often went every week because his need to to look at books was so intense. I had been reading to him everyday since he was born. What had started as a bedtime story every night had grew to two sometimes three or four hours a day looking at books. Sometimes I would read to him, or just hold him as he looked. While other kids played pretend my child looked at books, at the time I had no idea that this wasn't "normal". Many times I would find him awake at three or four in the morning looking at books. It seemed like a much better compromise than the screaming of his younger days.

The next year he was old enough to attend kindergarten. After the kindergarten orientation a teacher approached me. Your son is not ready to attend kindergarten, you should keep him home for one more year. Out of all of the students there did he really stand out that much? She had noticed him "not fitting in" as she had called it. I was crushed, when was fitting in part of going to kindergarten? I went home and cried as I stained a table I was giving to my sister for her wedding. The tears didn't seem to stop for the next two years. I felt so alone, I felt like no one else had ever felt this pain. The child I loved more than life itself didn't fit. I couldn't get my triangle son to fit in the round hole or even the square hole that all of the other children fit into. I didn't send him to kindergarten that year.

The next year would be a fresh start. I had given him a year to mature like the school had suggested. What was that feeling then that had settled somewhere deep in my chest, the nagging, the pain of your son is different and if you let him go into the world people are going to notice. I bought cute little jeans, and plaid button down shirts. I had his hair cut, I parted it down the middle and combed it down the side. Wouldn't everyone notice how cute he was. The first week of school the principal called, your son has hit another student and was being sent home from school. This is my kind, loving, docile son, is there a chance that he had him confused with another child? But he didn't, social situations seemed to perplex Dylan at age 6. He was comfortable with the way our family of mostly adults worked but, when he was with children he seemed to get lost. He wanted to talk about science and reptiles, other children didn't seem to care. So he would talk over them, which they didn't like. Taking turns was a foreign concept, he stood on the outside of groups and looked in. He wanted friends but, didn't seem to have any. Coincidental we had the same teacher who had told us the year before that he wasn't ready for school, and she didn't seem to like him any more this year than last. I would get notes daily that would explain in great detail what he had done wrong that day in school. Everyday I felt like they were saying why can't you make him behave.

In Dec I took him to the doctor for a sore throat. At some point I must have explained to the doctor how school was going. I have a child who understands the principals of photosynthesis but, he doesn't know his ABC's or how to write his name. I left the doctors office that day with a new word in my vocabulary that would never leave. "Take your son back to the school and have him tested for Asperger's Syndrome". The school started testing right away. He rocks in class, he flaps his hands, he likes science too much, he doesn't enjoy peer relationships, he chews on things, he has poor motor control, his vocabulary is not appropriate for his age. The list of things that the school had noticed seemed to go on and on. We left the school with an Autism diagnoses. My world fell apart. My dreams were in a instant shattered. What about the plans I had made, what about all of the hopes I had, what about the moment that I looked into his eyes after he was born and knew that the world could be his. In that moment Autism stole them all from me. Over the next 7 years I would get some of them back, with perspective I would learn that things are not always as they seem.

I found a doctor to test him on my own. I read every book I could get my hands on, at the time my library had one book on AS. Most books I borrowed from people I meet or bought. The book from the library was written by an adult women with aspergers, it seemed all wrong, the women in the book was not the child I tucked into bed at night. Dylan loved his mom, he showed real empathy to his Aunt's, he loved animals. This was not the cold heartless empty life that the women had described. The books all seemed to be a contradiction. In some ways they described my child perfectly and in other ways it was nothing like him. Most of the books I read were devoted to classic autism, my child could speak so they clearly had this all wrong. As I met with the new doctor I fought hard to convince her that my son did not have this disorder. I was not ready to let it steal my child away just yet, as if saying the words he does not have aspergers could make the symptoms magically disappear. Was this a fight that I could win? The new doctor agreed that he only had ADHD. We started a medication and moved to a new home. I wanted to leave that part of my life behind me. No one here would know that we had a secret. But secrets don't always go away just because you want them to.

The medication didn't make him better. I found a new doctor that specializes in ADHD and he started first grade. His first grade teacher didn't seem to enjoy him anymore than his kindergarten teacher, how could she not see that this kid was amazing. For all of the books that were read to him as a child, reading did not come easy. I worked with him every night, we fought, we cried, but we didn't learn to read. In second grade we had a new school counselor move to our school. Things were going to change I just didn't know it yet. He called me on the phone after a week in school and introduced himself. I let him know thanks but no thanks, I've dealt with school counselors before and I found them to be a lot of paper work, goals, and promises but, no progress. he was amazingly patient with my rant. He invited me to take a class that he was teaching at night. I showed up on the first night with my sister, if this was going to be a waste of time at least it would be an hour that I spent with someone that I liked but, I was amazed at what he was teaching us. For the first time I met someone in the school setting that was using action words to describe how to change problems. He had lived a lifetime with ADHD and felt compassion for children who most people would just call lazy. I loved the classes and had a fresh outlook on Dylan and school. I went back to the doctor and tried new medication for Dylan. By the end of the year we still had not found a medication that worked. We had tried every dose of every medicine in every combination of medication that the medical community offered for ADHD. At last none of them made him better.

Our new school counselor made Dylan's life at school easier. He focused on his strengths, gave teachers skills to encourage Dylan to do his work, and was supportive of Dylan being an individual. Dr Illes made us laugh, he had enough of his own quirks to make him unique. Dr Illes has been a champion in Dylan's corner. When I give up he tells me that grades are over rated and learning is not. And Dylan is still learning. In the four and a half years since he has came to our school he has done more for Dylan's life (outside of our family) than any other person.

From the time he was first diagnosed and then undiagnosed my interest in Autism never stopped. I listened for that horrible word. I began to find it places that I never thought to look. How many people where I live have children on the Autism Spectrum. It became the disease people were talking about. It was on the news, books were written about it. People were talking and I was listening, the whole time glad that I couldn't be touched by this monster. I began to see signs of Autism in my nephew. He struggled, his language was behind. He had problems with aggression. Could it be that this would enter our lives once again. In the beginning doctors would tell his mom that he was OK don't worry, but something was wrong and it couldn't be ignored. In 2008 Brandon was diagnosed with Autism, it effects every moment of everyday of his life. The monster was back.

While at a store one day near the end of second grade Dylan asked for a book, a chapter book, But you can't read my heart thought. I bought the book, he started reading and didn't stop. By the end of that year he had read 2,678 pages(we kept track, count the blessing that you have, and this was a blessing). His love of books had returned. Once again I was finding my child awake in the middle of the night with a book. I couldn't have been happier. Third and fourth grade came and went. Dylan still struggled but we dealt with it. He was falling further and further behind but, no one seemed to know what to do about it, including me. Homework time would often end in tears, why does this have to be so hard?

Fifth grade was even harder. We had a teacher who was exhausted and frustrated before she got to school, and a classroom of 28 energetic 11 year old kids with attitude. Dylan didn't seem to help, they were equally frustrating to each other. She complained to me a lot and, I realized this was not a good situation for Dylan to be in. By Christmas Dylan was out of the classroom. He spent everyday in the principals office doing independent learning. I am glad the school had enough insight into who Dylan is as a person to realise when he was becoming over whelmed and protect his self worth by removing him from the situation.

Dylan got his first friend in fifth grade. I invited a child over from school who Dylan had been having problems with. Maybe if he seen Dylan out of the school setting he wouldn't be so hard on him at school. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. By this point my knowledge on aspergers had grown considerably. They libraries collection of books on the subject of AS had grown to well over 50 books, and I had checked most of them out. I read what interested me and returned them before they made me too uncomfortable, but something was still nagging me, but back to the story of his new friend. How do you ask a parent that you have just met if their only child is autistic, well you don't. Over time though I learned that Landon eats only hot dogs for dinner, likes Irish spring soap more than most kids, takes things very literally, likes bugs, has trouble in social situations and eventually I learned that Landon has AS. I was glad that Dylan had a friend, it was about time. But I was hearing whispers, things that people wouldn't say to me but they would say next to me, just loud enough that I could hear. "I would never let that kid over to my house"..."he's dangerous"......."didn't he pull a knife on a scout leader"....."didn't he chase a 2 year old with scissors"...."if his parents would discipline him more he wouldn't act like that"..."he should be kicked out of school".......They were talking about a child that I had at my house for hours every week, and I knew this much was true, Landon is a kind, respectful, endearing , wonderful young man who has AS. In the hundreds of hours he has spent at my house in the last 2 and a half years he has been a delight to have around. I do not have blinders on as some people would like to believe. I wonder if these same people think that if they judge him harshly it will protect them from it. If we blame AS on parents then it can't happen to us. In the end Landon was asked to leave our school, a decision that I was left feeling bitter about.

Dylan would start sixth grade without a friend. On the first day of school I walked in to meet the teacher lugging my 12years of motherhood baggage. I wonder if she could see the pain on my face. When you can't handle him call me. We hadn't had a good school year yet, why would this be any different. I was sending my son into a minefield. Tread carefully son there's bombs out there that you can't see but they will get you. I left school that day feeling deflated. At 12 years old my son had still not learned how to physically write. While he knew the answers to most questions, his writing was preventing him from getting them on paper. This effected every area of school work, math, spelling, science, history, even art seemed to be out of Dylan's reach. I was worried about what this would mean for not just his academic future but, for his life.

He met a new friend in sixth grade who could be his twin from another planet. They are equally odd and brilliant at the same time. They both have incongruint learning where they are completely above average in some areas (like science and reading) and fall off the chart of below average in others ( like motor skills and math in Dylan's case). For Halloween they both dressed up as nerds without prearranging it. If you are going to be smart why not be able to laugh at it. His sixth grade teacher was wonderful. She constantly told me how bright he was. I needed to hear that. She met me after school so I could collect the homework that he hadn't done during the day(which was usually everything). She taught me how to do math that I had long since forgot so I could reteach it to Dylan at night, and she convinced the school to retest Dylan to see if he qualifies for help.

At about the same time Dylan was back at the doctor for his yearly check up. I expected them to say the same things as they always did, but they didn't. I left the doctor that day with a list of concerns that had to be dealt with. Dylan is severely underweight. The medication had killed his appetite for too long, he would stop taking medicine that day. He needed braces and the doctor no longer felt like my son had ADHD. "This isn't how kids with ADHD act"....meaning if he had ADHD the medicine we have been giving him for the past 6 years would have worked. Find a doctor and have him tested for asperger's, this man had no idea that me and aspergers had a long history. No need to give me those websites that explain aspergers to parents that have never heard the word before. I had carried aspergers around in the bottom of my heart like a snake that could slip out at any moment and strangle the life that I had been protecting. Find a doctor, have him tested...so the monster returns, or did it never leave?

I now realize that God put me on this path for a reason. When I found myself in this place, I was sure I had been abandoned but, that was not it at all. God was guiding me, to see a differant world. This was a journey that he wanted me to take. Had I not had theese experiances I would not be who I am today. I am stronger, I am kinder, I am more understanding, I see things now that I would not have seen otherwise. My world is colored with Autisim and understanding. God blessed me with one of his chosen spirits, Dylan is amazing and I am lucky to have in my life.

Light it up BLUE

2011-04-01T10:30:00.001-06:00

April 2 is national Autisim Awareness Day, and so for the next week I will goin with Autisim Speaks to Light it up blue. Each day will be a new post about this disorder and how it affects the life of people around me. Please check back and remember you can enter the contest once each day until April 6. (Contest is below this post).

Did you know ...

Autism now affects 1 in 110 children and 1 in 70 boys
Autism prevalence figures are growing
More children will be diagnosed with autism this year than with AIDS, diabetes & cancer combined
Autism is the fastest-growing serious developmental disability in the U.S.
Autism costs the nation over $35 billion per year, a figure expected to significantly increase in the next decade
Autism receives less than 5% of the research funding of many less prevalent childhood diseases
Boys are four times more likely than girls to have autism
There is no medical detection or cure for autism

Prevalence vs. Private Funding
Leukemia: Affects 1 in 1,200 / Funding: $277 million
Muscular Dystrophy: Affects 1 in 100,000 / Funding: $162 million
Pediatric AIDS: Affects 1 in 300 / Funding: $394 million
Juvenile Diabetes: Affects 1 in 500 / Funding: $156 million
Autism: Affects 1 in 110 / Funding: $79 million

2011-03-30T08:37:00.001-06:00

This has been a week.... a week that has seemed like so much more than a week. I have celebrated freedom, grieved a loss that wasn't mine to grieve. Felt another anguish, laughed, played and loved. I am painfully aware of how very strong I am and how very weak I am. Humanity seems to scream from the street corners of life.... I am a part of something bigger, I am a player in the lives of those around me. I have so much to say about each of these experiences... but I find myself lacking the time to say it.

So my quick recap....

I attended the sentencing hearing of one of the woman charged in the car burglary. For three hours I sat in a court room and watched as broken people took turns facing the consequences of a accumulated life. I watched faces etched in fear, hands shackled behind backs, and feet shuffling down a road filled with choices and pain. The case I was there for was postponed, but I have written letter that I hope to share with you soon.

Dylan competed in the State Science Olympics. He placed second in his individual event. I am so proud of him, I am amazed by him, and I am lucky to be his mom. Dylan is a good kid...inspite of the 15 dead fish carcases that are rotting in my back yard....the science experiment's I find stashed in all corners of my house and my sincere lack of keeping vinegar, salt, backing soda, and bleach in my house.

I knocked on their door and asked if I could come in. It was one of the most courageous things I have ever done. It may not turn out well, but for one moment in my life I am sure I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

I snuck away from life to have lunch with my beautiful sisters and mother. Years of sharing clothes and secrets leave us with a bond that feels safe and comfortable. I know these people love me.

My kids are not in school for 3 weeks...spring break, year round school style. We are busy loving, learning, and growing. Kimmie is learning multiplication. Colton is focusing on improving his reading skills and Mat is learning all of the countries of the world. Today we are going swimming, and I got a adorable new swimming suit.

A new baby came into the world. Her very presences is a painful reminder of things that are so not right in our tiny world. My sadness at the distance that exists is only bridged by pictures on facebook, I wonder do I even dare comment?

I meet with eight beautiful women to discuss and plan a upcoming women's retreat. I have not even known these women for a year but something shared in our hearts seems to whisper that our love for each other extended long before the day I met them.

I attended a leadership training meeting for our youth.

2011-03-24T09:31:00.002-06:00

2011-03-24T09:08:00.000-06:00

This is for the birds

2011-03-22T13:03:00.000-06:00

I knew Colton was my last baby. Some women say they never feel quite sure, but I was, and in the years after he was born a nice calm slowly settled under our roof. I would (notice the past tense version of that word) often drift off into sleep with this peaceful thought of we are all here. The most important people in my life are all locked safe inside our house . . .this is it...this is my family, this is what it looks like. Click the family picture is on the wall and will not need to be updated . . . . . . Take the good with the bad I love them all so much . . . . . and I know what I am getting...I just need to enjoy it . . . . . . peaceful thoughts to fall asleep to... right?

. . . . . . screech . . . . .
interrupt that completely peaceful thought with my next disturbing post

. . . . . . .my children may grow up . . .
they may move away . . .

. . . . . they may invite other people to our family outings. . .

I am sure you are as horrified as I am. . . . no?

I know I am completely over reacting here. The science Olympics are this weekend, Dylan needed one last up close shot at studying the wings, feet, beaks, and habits of birds. Of course he would invite his partner in the competition to come with us. The school can only pick two kids for the Ornithology part of the meet, and Dylan takes this competition pretty seriously. . . . . but the thing is. . . . . his partner is a girl. . . . . . and he was really comfortable around her. He joked, and laughed and had a really good time, and she laughed and joked back. I just didn't see this coming.

Two years ago I sat in my car and watched after I had dropped him off for scouts. The 12, and 13 year old boys moved seamlessly in the social group . . all of them except my son. . . . who stood with his face two inches from a tree, staring at the something he sees that most of us don't. I willed him from across the street, football. . . . football . . . just at least look like you care that they are playing football. . . he didn't, and I held my breath as I drove home, what will he do for the next two hours?

Lately I seem to be getting small moments where I get a glimpse at who he is becoming. He will be 15 next month, 3 years from becoming an adult. . . . . I don't think he is EVER going to care about football, but he will find a group of people who realizes that you can be a pretty neat person without ever playing sports.

PS... I get it.. I totally suck at writing completely happy non emotional posts. What can I say.

Change

2011-03-21T09:03:00.001-06:00

I have decided to split my blog. From the beginning this has been my began and end all blog. I have put it all here. My writing, my kids, happiness, sadness, and as much honesty and openness as I could muster. My kids are getting older and want to read what I am writing. I want this space to be a place where I can celebrate all of the many things that are right in our life, a celebration of who they are. Accomplishments and the day to day joy that comes from raising four busy children will make up the bulk of this blog. This will be a place about and for my children.

This will not be a place where I continue to develop my hobby of writing. I am going to start a separate blog for that. When my children are ready I will let them read those entries... the ones about growing a soul and making hard choices about my future and theirs. I will write about falling out of love and then realizing that falling never has anything to do with love, and about the choice to stay in love with the most important person in my life. I will write about ADHD, Autism, and medication, about jealousy, hate, and pain, about joy, journey's and happiness about finding yourself, and loving what you find. My other blog will be a place where I can create more space for openness for exploration of words, growth and emotion. I will write about the human experience seen through the emotions we all have.

Love and hugs to my family and friends... Thanks for reading, you mean so very very much to me. I am so lucky I have you in my life, you make everyday better, and I feel your love even when we are not close.

First post, tomorrow.....don't call it a date but Dylan asked a girl to go to Tracy Aviary..... oh boy...what have I gotten myself into.

2011-03-17T16:15:00.002-06:00

Join me here, on April 1 and 2nd, when I light it up blue! With prizes and more I will help spread awareness of this worldwide health crisis.

2011-03-17T16:07:00.002-06:00

15 years can pass in the blink of an eye, scanning more pictures today.

2011-03-17T10:11:00.004-06:00

I am writing a book for my daughter.. the title is "Just in case you ever forget". Don't be impressed, I have free photo book coupon code that expires at the end of March, so I am not talking about a full scale book, just something simple. I have always wanted to do a photo book, and I have had these ideas rolling around in my head for years, random life lessons I have learned that I want to pass on to my children. The photo book and the life lessons are a melding of those ideas.

Last night I was working on one of the pages. The lesson is ...you have the answers to the questions of your heart...if you listen you already know what is right for you. I couldn't get the words right though. It is such a big important concept about really getting to know yourself, searching for answers, and trusting your voice, yet I am writing this for an 8 year old. I gave up for the day and retired to bed. As I fell asleep last night the words kept spinning in my head. "There will be days when you here a voice from within, it will say it is time to move... you must listen....it will tell you shift, fight, go on, give in, love more, give less or stand up.... the voice will whisper truth to your growing soul. There may be people who tell you that that your decision is foolish or wrong, but let your voice speak louder than that of the moving masses. You will always know yourself better than any other human who walks this earth. Make your decisions confidently, and the strength, courage, determination, money, and adventure will follow."

So it is no surprise when I woke up this morning I was hearing a gentle voice from within. It was telling me to move...stand up, prepare for a battle. I have been putting this battle off for weeks, maybe even a year. I have done little things to keep the battle at bay, but it was always there waiting to be fought, and I know the time has come.

Hopefully I will have time to write more about it in the coming weeks.

2011-03-07T19:58:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you find just the right words to fit the song your heart is singing. Today those words are not my own. They are beautifully written by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW.

Over the last couple of years I could feel my life transforming, at times this transformation was scary, at others times ugly, in the beginning I wasn't sure where I was headed. Slowly I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I was gaining a self awareness that I hadn't expected. Slowly it became clear that I was interested in only living a truly authentic life. I am not interested in being who I am supposed to be I am only interested in being who I really am. There will be those who reject my true self, but living in this space of vulnerability gives me the power to connect, and feel compassion at a level I never could when I wore the mask of who *they thought I should be.

*they is not a group of people, it is not a single person...... they is the pressure many women feel to be more, do more, fit in better with those around them, they is the pressure although sometimes external, more often internal to be the person you are not, in hopes that you will be accepted, loved , not judged by the people who exist around you.

and now, how I would describe the life I strive to live in Brene Brown's words.....

With love, to all of the authentic women who have so graciously and lovingly touched my life

2011-03-07T19:41:00.006-07:00

Sometimes you find just the right words to fit the song your heart is singing. Today those words are not my own. They are beautifully written by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW.

Over the last couple of years I could feel my life transforming, at times this transformation was scary, at others times ugly, in the beginning I wasn't sure where I was headed. Slowly I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I was gaining a self awareness that I hadn't expected. Slowly it became clear that I was interested in only living a truly authentic life. I am not interested in being who I am supposed to be I am only interested in being who I really am. There will be those who reject my true self, but living in this space of vulnerability gives me the power to connect, and feel compassion at a level I never could when I wore the mask of who *they thought I should be.

*they is not a group of people, it is not a single person...... they is the pressure many women feel to be more, do more, fit in better with those around them, they is the pressure although sometimes external, more often internal to be the person you are not, in hopes that you will be accepted, loved , not judged by the people who exist around you.
and now, how I would describe the life I strive to live in Brene Brown's words.....

If you would like to see more work form Brene Brown I suggest you start with this 20 minute talk
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
or you can read one of her books

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
by Brene Brown

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power
by Brené Brown