Friday, October 9, 2015

I adore Colton, he makes an awesome Neil Armstrong for biography day at school.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Hello again

Hi it's me, Christine.  I didn't disappear it just this new life has taken a lot of getting used to.  I have had a lot to learn and and man the work, it never seems to end.  The chickens are laying and the peahen has disappeared over the ridge.  My new plants are in the ground and thirsty as can be.  My kids are growing like weeds.  Dylan is definitely taller than me and Matt well it won't be long before he is taller too.  I never really planned on blogging again but today on my email I found a comment waiting to be approved, i assumed it was spam but clucked to find kind words from someone out in blogger world.  I stayed for a vist, reading my words like old friends I remembered what it was like when these words were my life.  So today I check in, I say I am still me, just a different me than I was before I left.  Maybe I will be back a little more often.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Lessons from a crazy chicken named Circles

The bird with the pretty blue feathers is Elvis, our one year old male peacock.   The bird at the bottom of the picture is Circles a polish chicken.  Even though she may not look like much Circles is the star of this story. 

You see before we got Circles she lived in a dark crowded not very clean coop.  We were new to the chicken thing so when we went to pick her and a handful of other birds up from an ad on ksl we didn't immediately recognize the tell tell signs of what happens when a bird has suffered from a period of serious neglect.  The first thing we noticed when we got Circles home was that this bird ran in Circles..... a lot of circles, over and over again.  We would later learn this is a sign of neurological problems,  Circles isn't quite right in the head.  This can make life a little rough for Circles.  When you are busy running in circles it is hard to get the food you need before the other faster chickens gobble it up.  She also became a target for the 5 roosters in our flock.  She wanted to run away but all she could do was run in circles.  The other hens mostly ignored her and she rarely left the coop to wander the yard with the other birds.

To be honest we didn't see the next part of her story coming, she had always been a loner, odd girl out.  We bought Elvis when he was 2 weeks ago, just past the fluffy but still fit in your hand chick stage they told us we wouldn't know his gender until he grew in (or didn't grow in) his adult tail at 2 years.  We had a hunch he was a male, but this spring we were very surprised to see him strut his barely that of a turkey feathers for Circles.  It seemed that Elvis had fallen for Circles.

 Peacocks spend a great deal of time courting their prospective mates, and it was always quite the show.  When he wasn't strutting he stayed at her side, and she was venturing further and further into the yard.  When she would start to spin he would wait patiently, and then when she could walk straight they would continue on to peck at grubs and grass in the sunshine.  I wish this was the happily ever after end of the story but Circles just can't seem to catch a break.
 This is Elvis waiting on one side of the fence, and this is their new ritual.  Circles has been moved to a gated area with one other chicken for her protection.  Our roosters had become relentless, and try as he might our gentle Elvis couldn't protect Circles, the roosters were breeding her to death.  When I seen a strong gust of wind blow her over I knew she needed to be moved yesterday.  Now he sleeps on top of the coop the chickens live in at night and then returns to the fence where Circles has been moved and stays by her side during the day, living their life side by side but never quite touching. She is doing better than ever, getting stronger, but it still isn't safe to let them be together.

I think the whole world is waiting to teach you lessons, out here in the dessert it is hard not to see everything as a lesson.. These are my crazy bird lessons.

Love never looks the way you think it will.  You can love the one you are with or not.  It really is that simple, holding to preconceived notions of the way it should be will hurt everyone involved.  Trying to change them is as good as never loving them in the first place.  Circles will never be a peacock, Elvis will never be a chicken. If I got hung up on the one I love not acting like the latest self help manual says he should.

We don't always get the one we deserve, but if we learn to love with all of our heart we will get so much more than we deserve.  Maybe Elvis could have done better, maybe not. 

We all have shadows from the past, they linger and haunt barely visible they lurk within each of us.  When Circles, circles it has nothing to do with Elvis, it is just her past still hurting.  To really love our mates we will let their shadows be their shadows.  We will know it isn't always about us, in fact it is rarely about us.  Bad days happen, some of us circle and some of us roar, and some of us try to prove our worth by doing and being and buying more.  I don't think real love happens in the absences of these shadows, it happens when we can love enough to be with another's shadow. Elvis does this with grace and patience, he waits while she circles, and carries on when she is ready.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Kinuko Modern Dance Team

 This past summer Kimmie got to be part of the Kinuko Dance Team.  It was an amazing experience for her.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

A little too much

I think everyone one has a list of lies they wish they didn't believe.  The truth is buried beneath them, we know the truth is there, we sometimes even know what it looks like but something keeps us believing the lies anyway.  This is my story out of one of my deepest lies.

I was knee deep in a difficult conversation once with a friend I very much respected.  An agonizing  difference of opinion came up and in the course of the conversation she let me know that she thought I was a drama queen,  that I liked drama.  It was a big Ouch.  I don't know why it hurt so bad but it did.  I recoiled, I emotionally limped away to lick my wounds.  Maybe the reason it hurt so bad was that on some level I already feared that this was the truth.   I took my self doubt and pinned them to this lie.  I am too much emotion and drama.

Too be fair I am a fairly passionate person, my insecurities have tagged this part of who I am as bad, not worthy of love and belonging.  When I hurt, I hurt deep.  When I see others hurt, I hurt for them. When I love, I love with all my heart has.  I was emotionally wounded by the thought that someone else had seen this most intimate part of me.  Without realizing it I made a pact within my soul.  I needed to protect myself from harsh judgment. Emotion is drama, emotion is weakness, emotion is unacceptable, it is uncomfortable, it is vulnerable, passion is just too much.  From this day forward I will not be too much.  To make myself worthy of love the only emotion that was acceptable was just fine. Somewhere in the middle, not too much of anything.

It was hard at first to keep up with my side of the agreement.  It wasn't like I could just put on a pair of sunglasses to hide the crows feet.  I needed to hide the very fiber of who I was.  I put on a smile that said little, indifference lay behind that smile.  I withdrew from places where I had opened up my heart too much.  I asked to be released from YW's and eventually stopped going to church altogether.  I stopped writing, I kept my conversations and friendships at a dull, safe distance.  My heart cooled but I didn't feel protected from judgment.   My husband noticed my turmoil, one day he summed it up by saying "it is like you have gone naked for your whole life and are just realizing that everyone else has been wearing clothes this whole time.  I think you fear it doesn't matter what you do, you can't undo the fact that everyone has already seen you naked." 

Of course my only choice was to run, as far and as fast as I could.  I would be lying if I said this experience wasn't a big factor in my choice to move to a new home earlier this year.  We hadn't planned on moving but when I seen the home we didn't get, the one we will always call the cabin home, my heart screamed you would be safe here.  I wouldn't have to hide anymore because high on this hill I would be all alone. 

As things worked out, we were never meant to move to that house.   We kept looking, but I already knew what I wanted.  I had seen it, I wanted a place where I wouldn't have to pretend to be someone that I am not.  Where I could finally stop hiding, where my heart and my passion could come alive again.  I needed a place where I wouldn't be too much of anything.  I found that place when we moved to the farm.  At the end of a small dirt road sat three houses and miles of open space.

 Today I sat down to write.  I picked 4 pictures from the last week, and then I waited for the words to come.  I had nothing.  I had absolutely nothing.  Things can be very quite out here.  So I waited in silence for my heart to speak, when she stayed silent I begged her to feel again, to look at the faces of the people I love and to remember what it felt like to love openly with all of my heart, for emotion to seep from the words I write.   What I thought was safety began to feel like numbness.  I missed the part of me that laughed and cried.  In the silence I invited her to come back home, now that I am here all alone I need her with me. We made a deal, if she came back I wouldn't keep her silent, I would have to let her live out loud, and in return she would replace the empty void with tears, laughter, words, hurt, agony joy, happiness, ache, wonder and bliss.

Welcome home sweet girl I missed you.


Friday, October 25, 2013

I just down loaded a blogger ap to my iPad.   Yes the one I have had for two years and never used.   So bear with me as i experiment a little and catch you up on our life since we moved to The  Farm house.   I spent two months building a chicken coop.  I find it hilarious that I thought I could have it done in a weekend.   Dylan and Matt helped, while Chad did a lot of eye rolling.   The chickens have moved in to one half of the coop.  On the other side of the coop we have some really beautiful ornamental pheasants, chuck arms, pigeons and peacocks.

Sunday, August 18, 2013


My body moves slower here, I hurry less and listen more.  I find myself more inclined to watch and match the rhythms of the desert earth around me.  This is my new home, I have only lived here a month, but when I close my eyes at night it feels like I have always been here, or maybe more like I was always meant to be here.  I find something familiar awakening in my soul, the dirty, gritty, earthy part of me that was always being cleaned up for my other world. 
 Tonight I watched the pheasants get themselves ready for bed.  Up on the perch back down, another peck of food they scurried around and then did it all over again.   The lavender is in full bloom,  the deer are eating in the field, the owl will soon be here to hunt and my soul is at rest.

Monday, July 15, 2013

4th of July

July 14, 2013

 We went hiking near Fairview yesterday.  I took pictures and my boys did some target practice.  It was a beautiful day.