Good news I figured out how to make Dylan's video work...*smile*.....I guess selecting private makes it unviewable by others.

Dylan made this slide show as his reflections contest entry while I was gone one night. I didn't know he even planned to enter the contest, he had worked on the project completely on his own. On Friday I found out that he won first place in his category. I am so proud of him because this is completely Dylan, his personality, his thoughts and his ideas. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

I want to get away, take a deep breathe, regroup, balance priorities, pray and think some things through. I love my life, so I am not complaining. I love every little detail of my life, my four kids, crazy schedule and hair from hell. I love it all but, I need a break.....I have received 45 text messages today....I counted just for kicks, I was at the school three times today, and that is not counting dropping off or picking up kids who attend 3 differant schools. I almost forgot ballet, but kimmie remembered. I burned dinner because I was on the phone with the doctor, I went to the post office to mail something for myself, mailed a neighbors package and returned home with mine still sitting on the seat of my car. I need a break so my brain an catch up with my life.......Oh and did I mention I got a new dog.

Brandon

I posted the video below of my nephew Brandon a year ago. In that time so much has changed and so much has stayed the same.

My sister has another baby on the way. In a few short weeks she will have 4 children instead of 3.

Brandon days are still punctuated by outbursts and confusion.

His diagnosis has changed from PDD-NOS, to classic Autism.

His family continues to raise money and awareness to fight against this disorder.

Brandon's sister was tested and does not have Autism spectrum disorder. The cause of her distinct delays remain a mystery to doctors,

The CDC is reporting even higher rates of Autism in America and across the world.

After a bill failed earlier this year health insurance companies continue to NOT pay for services to treat Brandon and people like him.

Brandon entered 3rd grade, his teachers would like him to learn to write cursive, his mother is unsure if this is even possible.

Brandon is still loved and cherished by his parents, siblings, Aunts and Uncles,cousins and Grandparents.

So much has changed, and so much has stayed the same.

Tomorrow is Halloween, my favorite Holiday of the year! My kids are as excited as I am. Kimmie is going as a Vampire, I cringed when she told me this......New Moon anyone? I don't think she has heard of the books, so I shouldn't be worried. Colton is going as an evil pumpkin, this was his idea. The costume consists of a giraffe costume and a pumpkin mask. Whom am I to say this does not work.

Flashing Lights on the wall

Most of the lights in the house were off, and street noises echoed through the quiet rooms as cars drove through puddles in the street. Children were in bed but, not sleeping and I wandered through our home picking up the items my children had shed like a old skin as they got ready for bed. I heard Kimmie call out in fear from her room. That is when I seen the colors of red splashed against her wall like a angry fighting animal. The colors blinked twirled and fought in the darkness, all played out against her white wall. "Mom what is going on, what is wrong?" I looked outside to see the source of the lights on her wall. An ambulance and fire truck parked across the street, beckoning in the terror that comes when help is summoned. I watched from the window as I laid by Kimmie and convinced her it would be OK to go to sleep. No crowds gathered, no signs of movement in the street, no way to tell who needed help. It could be any one of the neighbors that live on our little chunk of the street. The icy weather and cold night were keeping us all inside.

As my mind danced between the waking hours and those consumed by sleep I thought back to the lights that have came swirling in with terror, and fear of physical danger. When Dylan was 2 he had first seizure, I reached my parents home where Dylan was being watched by family before the ambulance. I rushed to my chubby cheeked baby and held him as his body seized in my arms. Then I watched when the paramedic pried my baby out of my hands to save his life. There was the time Life flight came after my father had been ran over by a truck, his chest crushed by the weight of the massive vehicle. Then most recently when I had a seizure. The lights of the ambulance I do not remember, just a flash light in my eyes as they asked me questions I was sure I should know the answers to but, didn't. "What month is it? Who is the president? I know if I think hard enough I will be able to remember if I have children?"

I also thought of the times when danger loomed without the bright lights to announce the sadness and pain. Pain that threatened, but pain that no paramedic could fix. I remember the day I realized Dylan was different. Long before diagnosis, long before books, and doctors, therapies and medications. I looked at my son and my heart broke right in two because I could not make him like the other kids. No paramedic could save us from this sadness, no bright lights to announce that life would be changed, just gut wrenching sadness. The day a beloved friend found she could not have children of her own. A child's stolen innocence, taken by a thief in the night. The moment in time when financial stress reaches its breaking point, lost jobs and mounting bills catch up to people I love. The day I realized I may never see my niece and nephew again, moved to another part of the country with no forwarding address. Moments that are not ushered in with acknowledgement of pain and grief just the lonely sadness that change has come. No professionals show up in stiff uniforms with a box and medication to make the danger go away. Moments like these are felt on a deeper level.

In these moments I have never been alone, but for years I thought I was. God was there. He was with me. For years I could not feel him in my life. Such a lonely way to live. I thought the pain would be too much to bear. I thought I would be crushed into nothingness. But he was always there, he held my heart in his hand when it could not be held together on its own anymore. He waited patiently while I refused to let him in. He loves me, all of me the good and the bad and the flawed. He loves my children, with no expectation for them to be like others. He knows what I have been asked to bear and will humbly bear it with me. I was never alone God was always with me, he comes without the flashing lights or sirens. He comes in the quiet of the night to save us from ourselves.

Callings

A couple of weeks ago I was called in to the Bishops office. I knew what was coming of course, as much as I have LOVED (and at a few select times hated) my calling as enrichment planner lady for our church, six years is a long time. Either they would release me or I would be asked to be released. The time had come for me to move on. God was whispering you are done here, you have learned what I wanted you to learn, and so with a full heart I was released...no longer in charge of planning crafts and womanly get togetherness.

What I wasn't expecting was what would come next. I was asked to serve with the young women (12-18 years old) of our ward. Since I left the teen years (and promptly entered motherhood) 13 years ago I have had little to do with this species that share the planet it with us (I am sure they are part alien). Yet I find myself excited at this new challenge. The girls are amazing, I find that I care deeply for each of them, and in many ways feel protective of their self worth.

My relationship with God has changed over the last year so in many ways I feel more qualified to be their equal than I do a leader. I have so many things I am learning...how to trust God, how to listen to his voice, and let him in my life. Tonight I am preparing a thought to present to them along with a personal progress program tomorrow. I have poured through all of they great thoughts that I have tucked away. In the end the I choose a thought from someone who is climbing a steep mountain, learning that being human is part of the journey, struggling with their own demons, and stretching them self further than than they ever thought possible.

I am not in a race to perfection,
I am on a journey to know God.
Christine Everill

It has been a little too long since I have lasted posted. I know this because as I set to type nothing seems to come out. How do I sum up the last month and a half in one neat tidy post? Every time I try I seem to get lost in how crazy this last month has been and give up. I am not going to give up this time (I am writing that more for me than for you).

My middle two children have been out of school for 3 weeks, they go back on Monday. With Dylan in middle school and Colton in preschool this is the first time I have had to juggle so many different schedules for my children. It left me feeling a tidbit beyond stretched. We also threw swimming lessons in to the mix. This was the first time any of my kids have taken swimming lessons. I am glad to get that first set of lessons hurdle out of the way. Dylan and Colton did great, Mat is still struggling so I will take him back a couple of times before we do swimming lessons again in January.

We moved all of the bedroom around in my house. Rooms are clean and we have a fresh perspective. I love it.

I have started working more hours (a lot more hours) for Mon Cherie Jewelry. At this point my anxiety over this is through the roof. I am trying to sort out if this is because I have anxiety and big changes are hard or if this is my gut screaming RUN.

We lived through Dylan's first IEP at middle school. I walked in to a room with 6 teachers and various faculty members who I did not know, and in turn did not know my son. I spent the first 30min trying to explain Dylan's challenges and strengths. This is a big change from elementary where I seem to know everyone in the school. I have come to find middle school to be a bit of a toss up. You have the good and the bad. Teachers who are willing to work with us and some who are not.

I am looking forward to things settling back into a pleasant routine over the next couple of weeks. Hopefully it will mean more time to enjoy life and less time running to get caught up with life.

Today we are headed to the Wasatch reptile show to pick up some new pets for Dylan's collection. He has been saving his allowance so this should be fun. We are taking his two best friends (who both have Asperger's) and my four kids. Last year you could get in free if you ate a cricket. We only hope to be that lucky this year.

The storm is here

The deep grey clouds have been swirling over our home for days. When I open my door in the morning the air feels different, heavy, angry and sad. I feel it and, want to turn around, shut my door and climb back in bed. I feel the air and I know something is coming that I can not stop. Something is coming that is out of my control. Something is coming that has the power to cause pain and sadness.

Night time comes and the clock ticks one minute away at a time. The air begins to blow, the windows whistle and rattle. I wish I would have thought to turn on the heater before I climbed into bed, it's cold and I am much too sad to climb out of bed. I know the storm inside my head is not going away. I know I am powerless to stop the clouds from dumping onto the earth. 3:54 a.m. I hear the rain begin and I know the storm is here to stay.

As the rain pours heavy raindrops that pelt the earth and the cold air bites at the fragile plants in the yard I think about the storm brewing in my life. What it means and what I am supposed to be learning.

After a painful relapse from alcoholism my brother is once again fighting to be sober. I know this is one of the hardest fights he will ever have to make. I know if he loses this battle he will die. As a sister it is hard to know I am powerless in this process, this is his battle to win. As a daughter is is hard to see the pain this brings my parents. This is their child, a son that they love. This is a storm that my brother will carry with him for the rest of his life. A cold racking wind that will always threaten his very existence on this planet.

Dylan's IEP meeting is getting closer. Me and Public school have been one step away from parting ways for a long time. My goals for my son are simple ...
...#1 my son continues to learn
#2 my sons continues to believe he is an amazing person, who can do amazing things.
Simple goals that do not always fit well into a school system that is over burdened.
My goals do not include him getting page after page of busy work done, or conforming to a style of learning that does not help him gain knowledge. My goals do not include him getting good grades or acting like the other kids. I do not want the school to send the message to him that because he is different, because he learns differently or because he is behind in writing that he is flawed. God gave him different gifts that deserve to be encouraged not smothered under what he can not do.

Friendships I value are hurt and bruised. It is hard not to feel it, the coldness that comes from change. The loss that comes when the wind blows things right out of our hands, a wind we didn't see coming. It is hard to know this is something I can not fix, that it may not even be my job to fix it. I am afraid this storm pattern will continue and I worry what it will mean for those involved.

People are struggling to find work, depression, poverty, disabilities and stress have blown into the lives of people I love. Mean people wander through our lives, and leave footprints in the mud left by the storm. Leaves drop from the trees and fragile relationships and plants wilt in the cold.

I didn't sleep last night, I listened to the storm.

Trust your gut

I think we have all had those experiences when something inside of us was screaming DANGER, but we ignored it and preceded into the great abyss. The outcome was probably not pleasant and we could look back and see our mistake clearly. I wish I could say after hundreds of these experiences I have learned to listen to my gut, and always trust myself. I haven't completely but, I am getting better.

When my brother asked me to take his two 8ft boa's, I declined. Something inside of me said this may not turn out well for the two small dogs, 3 lizards, bird and frog that call our place home.

When the teachers at Dylan's middle school couldn't tell me exactly what was on his IEP, I called a meeting to go over it with all of them. Wish me luck< I have two weeks to get everything together. I think I will call the Utah Parent Center tommorrow. My gut is telling me I need a lttle more experiance here than I have to offer.

I have given up both of the classes I was taking in the evening. As much as I loved them my gut is telling me it is just too much for my family right now.

Something inside of me is saying take care of yourself, be kind to others and listen closely to what God wants for you. Something is telling me that I think I should listen

killing

**WARNING**
This post may be hard for some to read. I am warning you right up front that this post will contain a grizzly death, some may even call it murder. Read on with caution if you have delicate sensibilities.

Autumn has snuck into our Utah weather. The air feels cooler at night, not cold, just comfortably cool. It bites at your cheeks as you scurry from the car to the home. It leaves you expecting what is coming next. With cool air you know change is about to happen, which is exactly where this story will begin.

Yesterday we spent the day visiting family. Sept is our month of birthdays, we stopped by to sing to various family members and have cake with those we love. As we returned home we noticed a light on in the front of the house. This would be one of the children's bedrooms. As many times as we tell them to turn off the lights before we leave they never seem to remember.

We didn't even pause before we sent the children running into the house. I lingered near the car. Gathering up shoes and other things the children had left. When I neared the front door I could hear a commotion going on. It was an argument, and no subtle argument. Emotions were at a peak, two people fighting for their side of an argument. I took a deep breath as I entered with my arms loaded down.

I soon found the problem. A killer had been located in my daughters bedroom. My husband had decided the monster should be put to death. My son was fighting with all of his might for the life of the black widow spider hiding in the corner. I knew Dylan would not win this argument. This animal is dangerous, it has the power to kill contained inside it's small shiny black body.

My husband left the room as Dylan turned to me to continue his argument. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. I know how my son feels about selfish humans before he even begins. "Humans who believe the world revolves around our wishes, humans, who would senseless kill a rattle snake in a desert out of fear. Humans, who destroy wetlands, and believe that they are king of this earth. Selfish humans, who only value a life form that resembles them in a mirror. Selfish humans who can walk but choose to drive." Selfish humans.....how many times have I heard this argument?

My husband returned with a can of brake clean, the chosen method of death for a creature that did not choose to be born a killer. The children, who were crowded behind me peeked out at the moment of death. Dylan was the only one who chose not to look, his pleading had been ignored. The small spider withered from the chemical death, took it's last breath and died. The children went to their rooms, and I went to find a very upset Dylan.

I had no words to console him. I knew this had more to do with the bigger picture of how we take care of our earth than it did this spider. So I set by him and held his hand as he cried for a world he can not protect.

When I returned upstairs I was met by my husband. He was holding a bottle of death in his hands. His instructions were simple, I didn't need him to tell me though, home spider killer spray instructions are laid out pretty clearly on the back of the bottle. "Not tonight, I have other things to worry about"

Message sent

Everyday we send messages to those around us. We send messages on facebook, we send them on email, we make phone calls and we talk to people in person. We all know the run down....."body language says even more than what we say", so we add that into the equation. So many messages, what is being heard? Are the messages people around me getting the ones I want them to hear?

Some messages stick and we take those with us, others barely pass over our radar screen and leave our brain as quickly as the enter (water softener salt anyone?). I have been thinking about the messages that stick. The ones my children will learn about themself and take with them into adulthood. Is what I say and do, telling my children the things they need to hear.

When I am taking care of the busy work that crowds my life do my children hear "I don't have enough time for you?" When I walk in and say "tell me don't consider this clean", do they hear "you never do it good enough"? When I sing hurry hurry hurry in the morning are they really hearing "I want you gone gone gone"? Are my children missing the messages I really want to send to them?

I have taken sometime to think and write down the messages I want my children to carry with them through life. I know there is nothing I can do to guarantee they hear me, but this will not stop me from trying. Each of my children are different, and so the messages I think each of them need is as unique as they are. I made a list with five things for each child, I read it before I greet them in the morning, so I can remember that what I say will be part of who they are.

God gave you gifts and the world needs what you have to offer.

You are smart enough, to do anything you chose to do.

You are a good person, who can do great things.

God will speak to you, listen carefully and he will guide you in your life.

There is nothing more important to me, than the time I spend with you.

You are tougher than life is hard, keep persevering and you will conquer.


And the message I have to all of my children
I love you exactly as you are, all of you, the good and the bad, the mistakes and the joyful parts. A child of God you are, sent to me. I am lucky to have you in my life.

Special

A month ago I decided each of my children needed more of me. More of me is a hard thing though because I don't really have more of me to give. I sometimes feel like everyone is fighting for my attention at once. I sometimes go to bed wondering if any of my children really got all of their needs met. So began the special day ritual.

Here are some highlights of our recent special days.

Dylan and I spent the day visiting every pet shop we could find. He is looking for a certain gecko morph. We never found it but he had a great time. I didn't think to take any pictures.

Mat's special day was next. We started by going to the Tracey Aviary. Then had lunch at Charlie Chow's. Mat is not a big Charlie Chow's fan. When he got the food back from the grille he just stared at it. He ended up eating a fortune cookie for lunch. We were out of money but not out of time so we ended up at the Humane Society where we volunteered to walk dogs for two hours. This ended up being the highlight of his day. Those darn dogs are not easy to photograph. We will be going back though because Mat LOVED IT.




Kimmies special day was this last week. We started her morning off buying some paper from the scrapbook store and visiting Grandma. Next we headed off to the Aquarium where she got to feed the stingrays. She took one look at the food she had to hold and almost chickened out. I tried to feed them and they missed the food and bit my hand. Ouch. We went out for lunch and returned just in time to pick the other kids up from school.





LOVE YOU KIDS!